Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Prayers needed from my stalkers.


I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and kind words over the past few months.

And thank you to those who read this blog.  Even if you don't comment, I know you are there.  I can stalk back, you blog-stalkers.

But your stalking, your notes, your cards--they mean a lot.

I am going to be greedy and selfish and ask for more prayers.

I need them.

The last few days have been difficult.

I don't know if how I am feeling is normal. 

What is even normal? Normal, shmormal.  That's what I say.

But I do know that I am feeling incredibly, incredibly lonely and sad.

Down in the dumps.

Since I am a list maker, here are some things that 

1) are either causing my sadness or 

2) I am thinking about lately.

Hopefully you can find something in here and add it to your list of prayers.

  • School is over.  And, although I am thrilled to have my summer, I am finding that it is giving me way too much time to think about things. And what should have been.  Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
  • Stories of other pregnancies.  Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be Debby Downer and be that bitter woman who people are scared to bring their children around because she's so upset at life.  Trust me when I say I am thrilled for couples who are expecting a child.  Ecstatic.  Like, happy that God has shown me that there is some happiness in the world.  But, understandably, I am jealous.  And sad.  And frustrated.  But mostly jealous.  Not mad or angry.  So, please do not feel badly about being pregnant and do not feel weird talking to me about it.  But, do know that I will steal your child when you are not looking.  Just kidding. My tears are not anger at you.  But tears of missing my daughter.
  • Having to possibly start this whole doctor thing again.  It is so incredibly frustrating that my body does not do what it is supposed to and does not work when it is supposed to.  You know me, I like lists and dates and crossing things off.  There is nothing in this process that I can organize and everything is unknown.  And, I am so not in control of any of this.  And that drives me to drinking heavily.  Just kidding.
  • I killed a bunny on the road.  Heard it thump under my tires and saw it laying in the road in my rear-view mirror.  I just kept thinking, "Some mama bunny is going to be so, so sad."  And then I cried the whole way home. 
  • Disclaimer: I know that mama bunny probably has 473,738 baby bunnies since they (unlike me) are really good at reproducing.  Still, I'm sure she's torked off.
  • I talked with Dave about the following last night when I got home.  After killing the bunny.  I am feeling guilty about Maggie's death.  I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I do: I feel responsible and guilty for not keeping my daughter alive.  My body failed her. I failed her.  I was responsible for nurturing her and taking care of her and I couldn't and didn't do it.  I know I could not have done anything differently, but my body could have.  There is something I (my body) did or didn't do to keep her little heart pumping and her little lips puckering.  And telling her "I'm sorry" over and over again doesn't lessen the guilt or change the ending.
  • "There's a reason this happened. You will figure it out sometime." Yes, please, I hope I figure out why my daughter died.  And the reason better be good.  Real good.  Unfortunately, I can't think of any reason that's good enough that my daughter needed to die for it.  It is also very difficult for me to be thankful in these circumstances.  I have thanked God multiple times for my daughter--that I even had the opportunity to be pregnant and that I could be her mama and she could be my daughter.  However, I can't thank God for her death.  I am not thankful for that.  How can I be?
"Lord, remember my suffering and my misery, my sorrow and trouble.  Please remember me and think about me."  ~Lamentations 3:19-20
So, after all of this, I am asking for more prayers.  For patience with myself and my freaky-deaky body.  For me to be thankful for whatever I can.  And pray for my husband.  The Good Lord knows that he puts up with a lot from me and he still makes me laugh, even with a blubbery-tear-covered face.  But mostly, I need prayers about the future- that whatever happens, that I can accept it all with grace.


  1. Praying hard for you and your husband, Rachel! I have never left a comment, but now that you busted me on my non-sneaky stalking...people you have never met are praying for you. My mom, my friend who recently lost her little girl, many people are lifting your family up in prayer. You are an amazing mama.
    Jo Ann (your sister's OLD college roommate)

  2. I admit, I'm a stalker too. You will definitely remain in my prayers, as you have been since I first found your blog. You are such a strong woman and wonderful mama. Maggie is so lucky to be your daughter. And I wanted to just acknowledge the guilt you are feeling. You know there is nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome. Of course it isn't your fault. But I totally understand how you feel that way. Noah was born with a very rare birth defect that has meant several very major surgeries and probably more throughout his life. It will alter his life in many very big ways as he grows up. And while it's not the same thing, I know that, I do understand the feeling of guilt. I have thought a thousand gazillion times (as he gets wheeled away for an 8 hour surgery, as he is sad about how he is "different" from other kids, as I have to fight him daily to catheterize him...), what could I have done to save him from this? Surely it was that margarita I had when I had no idea I was pregnant. Uggh. It's a terrible feeling. And even though a thousand people can tell you it's not your fault, you are the mama, so you feel responsible. That's our job I guess. To feel responsible for our kids, right? So, your feelings are completely OK, and valid. And it sucks to feel like that. I will be praying for peace for you Rachel...and all the other things too. Much love.

  3. I think of you so often and continue to pray!! Cyber hugs to you!

  4. Well, by now you must know I am one of your stalkers! ;) You've been on my prayer list for quite some time now and will continue to be. Much love to you, my friend.

  5. We have been reading your blog the last few months and are amazed by your strength over and over again. Thank you for writing this, as you are a wonderful writer, and it is helpful to read such an honest and personal account. Nothing compares to the loss of a child, or a pregnancy. I would have felt a lot less alone and less like a crazy person had I found something like this to read after our miscarriage, and I know this will help other moms too. Josh and I think of you often and hope you keep writing. We will be praying for you all!

  6. In tears, you know how I feel. Still angry when people say things like "Everything happens for a reason" or "God knows what he is doing." People should not say those things out loud. It only evokes anger. Prayers for you and little Maggie.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...