I cannot thank you enough for your prayers and kind words over the past few months.
And thank you to those who read this blog. Even if you don't comment, I know you are there. I can stalk back, you blog-stalkers.
But your stalking, your notes, your cards--they mean a lot.
I am going to be greedy and selfish and ask for more prayers.
I need them.
I need them.
The last few days have been difficult.
I don't know if how I am feeling is normal.
What is even normal? Normal, shmormal. That's what I say.
But I do know that I am feeling incredibly, incredibly lonely and sad.
Down in the dumps.
Down in the dumps.
Since I am a list maker, here are some things that
1) are either causing my sadness or
2) I am thinking about lately.
Hopefully you can find something in here and add it to your list of prayers.
- School is over. And, although I am thrilled to have my summer, I am finding that it is giving me way too much time to think about things. And what should have been. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
- Stories of other pregnancies. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to be Debby Downer and be that bitter woman who people are scared to bring their children around because she's so upset at life. Trust me when I say I am thrilled for couples who are expecting a child. Ecstatic. Like, happy that God has shown me that there is some happiness in the world. But, understandably, I am jealous. And sad. And frustrated. But mostly jealous. Not mad or angry. So, please do not feel badly about being pregnant and do not feel weird talking to me about it. But, do know that I will steal your child when you are not looking. Just kidding. My tears are not anger at you. But tears of missing my daughter.
- Having to possibly start this whole doctor thing again. It is so incredibly frustrating that my body does not do what it is supposed to and does not work when it is supposed to. You know me, I like lists and dates and crossing things off. There is nothing in this process that I can organize and everything is unknown. And, I am so not in control of any of this. And that drives me to drinking heavily.
- I killed a bunny on the road. Heard it thump under my tires and saw it laying in the road in my rear-view mirror. I just kept thinking, "Some mama bunny is going to be so, so sad." And then I cried the whole way home.
- I talked with Dave about the following last night when I got home. After killing the bunny. I am feeling guilty about Maggie's death. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way, but I do: I feel responsible and guilty for not keeping my daughter alive. My body failed her. I failed her. I was responsible for nurturing her and taking care of her and I couldn't and didn't do it. I know I could not have done anything differently, but my body could have. There is something I (my body) did or didn't do to keep her little heart pumping and her little lips puckering. And telling her "I'm sorry" over and over again doesn't lessen the guilt or change the ending.
- "There's a reason this happened. You will figure it out sometime." Yes, please, I hope I figure out why my daughter died. And the reason better be good. Real good. Unfortunately, I can't think of any reason that's good enough that my daughter needed to die for it. It is also very difficult for me to be thankful in these circumstances. I have thanked God multiple times for my daughter--that I even had the opportunity to be pregnant and that I could be her mama and she could be my daughter. However, I can't thank God for her death. I am not thankful for that. How can I be?
|Disclaimer: I know that mama bunny probably has 473,738 baby bunnies since they (unlike me) are really good at reproducing. Still, I'm sure she's torked off.|
"Lord, remember my suffering and my misery, my sorrow and trouble. Please remember me and think about me." ~Lamentations 3:19-20So, after all of this, I am asking for more prayers. For patience with myself and my freaky-deaky body. For me to be thankful for whatever I can. And pray for my husband. The Good Lord knows that he puts up with a lot from me and he still makes me laugh, even with a blubbery-tear-covered face. But mostly, I need prayers about the future- that whatever happens, that I can accept it all with grace.