Remember a week or so ago when I said I was angry and frustrated?
Welp, nothing has changed. I'm still quite annoyed, incredibly sad, terribly frustrated, and...did I say annoyed?
Like, a lot annoyed. At life. At others. At God. At myself.
Here, in no particular order are things that annoy me.
1. Mother's Day is in 6 days. Seriously. Stab me in the heart and twist the knife. I looked at cards at Target the other day, just to see what my options were for the mothers in my life. Just in case you are wondering--they all say "Happy" on them. Also, there are no categories for "People who are kind-of moms but no one knows it just by passing her because she has nothing to show for it except a muffin top, a messed up body, and a grave in a field." Just so you know. Don't bother sending a card.
2. Psalm 139:16. Please don't take offense that this verse annoys me.
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.This is really, really hard for me to swallow and maybe some of your great theologians can explain this to me. It is just really hard for me to think about the fact that God knew that Maggie wasn't going to last past 6 months. And He still let this happen? Seriously? That just doesn't make sense to me.
3. My body. No details necessary. Just know that whatever a "real mom" goes through, I have too. Therefore, my body is messed up. I just don't have a child to distract me from all my body craziness.
4. 17.5 days. Of school. Seriously, folks. Enough is enough.
5. 17.5 days. However, once school ends, what am I going to do with myself? Two months ago, I had these huge plans for summer. I remember saying over and over, "I won't be able to _______ (fill in blank with any summer activity besides sweating and eating)________________ since I'll be uber pregnant by then." I was going to finish up whatever needed finishing. I was going to wear stretchy shorts and flip flops and waddle around town. I was going to have a freaking daughter. Now what? What am I going to do with myself? Ideas, please. Everything I come up with just doesn't seem quite as cool as HAVING A DAUGHTER.
6. Pregnant Women. They are EV.ER.Y.WHERE. All over. They are swinging their bellies all over the place and flaunting them in my face. And, I get mad and incredibly jealous. And, I must admit, I just want to go up to her and say, "Good luck with that." And then go on to explain to her that she can keep decorating her nursery and complaining about her belly and her aches and her nausea and exhaustion. And, she can keep registering for baby crap. And, she can keep posting this all on facebook, too. But, really, she shouldn't get her hopes up. Because I did all that and now it's all packed in boxes and covered in garbage bags in my closet. So, good luck with the whole kid thing.
8. Myself. I'm really annoyed that I'm still annoyed.
And, I miss Maggie-Moo so much. That's really annoying.