What now?

I feel a bit lost.  Yes, for the obvious reasons.  But for other reasons too.

This writing has been a release for me, a place to share about my precious Maggie.  Now she is buried and I have been feeling, at times,  as though I now have nothing else to share about her. She's done. She's gone.

Now I know, as her mother, that I could always find things to share about her - the absolute and unending joy that I had when I found out I was pregnant; the control it took me not to talk about our baby from the second I knew she existed (and probably even before I was for sure she existed); how my heart melted every time I felt her twitch inside of me; how I envisioned her working with Dave- chasing cattle and toddling around in the pasture (yes, this city girl envisioned this for her kids-at this point, you can shake your head in disbelief--again).  She would have looked so cute in these:

As her mother, I could write and read posts like that over and over again and never get enough.  However, I'm not sure how much others are interested.  How many posts do I write about what could have been?

So, my struggle is: what do I post about now?  I have no more pictures and no more stories.  I wish I had pictures of her swaddled in a hospital blanket or her first bath or her fat rolls or her eyes that look like her dad's.  I wish I could write about her first giggle and have a video link below.

I have none of that.  I have no more memories to share.  And, that is the hardest.  I wish I had 5 minutes to hold her while she was alive.  That way, I would have more to write about.  I would have something else to share with you. 

Instead, all I have is my dreams of what she could have been.  What I would have been with her.  What our family would have been.  I wish I had more than that right now.