I feel a bit lost. Yes, for the obvious reasons. But for other reasons too.
This writing has been a release for me, a place to share about my precious Maggie. Now she is buried and I have been feeling, at times, as though I now have nothing else to share about her. She's done. She's gone.
Now I know, as her mother, that I could always find things to share about her - the absolute and unending joy that I had when I found out I was pregnant; the control it took me not to talk about our baby from the second I knew she existed (and probably even before I was for sure she existed); how my heart melted every time I felt her twitch inside of me; how I envisioned her working with Dave- chasing cattle and toddling around in the pasture (yes, this city girl envisioned this for her kids-at this point, you can shake your head in disbelief--again). She would have looked so cute in these:
As her mother, I could write and read posts like that over and over again and never get enough. However, I'm not sure how much others are interested. How many posts do I write about what could have been?
So, my struggle is: what do I post about now? I have no more pictures and no more stories. I wish I had pictures of her swaddled in a hospital blanket or her first bath or her fat rolls or her eyes that look like her dad's. I wish I could write about her first giggle and have a video link below.
I have none of that. I have no more memories to share. And, that is the hardest. I wish I had 5 minutes to hold her while she was alive. That way, I would have more to write about. I would have something else to share with you.
Instead, all I have is my dreams of what she could have been. What I would have been with her. What our family would have been. I wish I had more than that right now.