Sunday, April 3, 2011

What now?

I feel a bit lost.  Yes, for the obvious reasons.  But for other reasons too.

This writing has been a release for me, a place to share about my precious Maggie.  Now she is buried and I have been feeling, at times,  as though I now have nothing else to share about her. She's done. She's gone.

Now I know, as her mother, that I could always find things to share about her - the absolute and unending joy that I had when I found out I was pregnant; the control it took me not to talk about our baby from the second I knew she existed (and probably even before I was for sure she existed); how my heart melted every time I felt her twitch inside of me; how I envisioned her working with Dave- chasing cattle and toddling around in the pasture (yes, this city girl envisioned this for her kids-at this point, you can shake your head in disbelief--again).  She would have looked so cute in these:

As her mother, I could write and read posts like that over and over again and never get enough.  However, I'm not sure how much others are interested.  How many posts do I write about what could have been?

So, my struggle is: what do I post about now?  I have no more pictures and no more stories.  I wish I had pictures of her swaddled in a hospital blanket or her first bath or her fat rolls or her eyes that look like her dad's.  I wish I could write about her first giggle and have a video link below.

I have none of that.  I have no more memories to share.  And, that is the hardest.  I wish I had 5 minutes to hold her while she was alive.  That way, I would have more to write about.  I would have something else to share with you. 

Instead, all I have is my dreams of what she could have been.  What I would have been with her.  What our family would have been.  I wish I had more than that right now.


  1. Rachel and Dave
    I am so sorry to hear about the loss of Maggie. I wish I could say something to make it better but I am not sure what that would be. My heart aches for the pain that you have gone through over the past few weeks. I will be praying and thinking of you. Love you.

  2. I wish you had more than that too!! Continue to write whatever you feel like writing. Your posts are so beautiful, honest, and heart-felt. I'm so glad that you have found a release. We'll continue reading and praying for you!

  3. You are the best mother!!! Hugs and love!

  4. Your honesty has been so healing to read. Your journey is still on going but it moves and changes. My prayers are with you.

  5. Rachel,
    I am so sorry that you have lost your little one. I know that words are so not enough in this time of loss, but my thoughts and prayers also are with you. Continue all your writing and dreams of what may have been. That is how Maggie will live on in you. Love, Crystal


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