Monday, April 4, 2011

things that made me feel good (and bad) today

The good: 
  • I got an email back from an etsy lady I contacted yesterday.  I've been looking into getting a ring with the march birthstone for Maggie.  The two rings on the top and bottom would symbolize Dave and I.  This is the ring. What do you think?
  • Anyways, I had emailed the lady and told her my situation and asked her a few questions.  She wrote back and said she wasn't sure how to respond, as she had lost her son a year ago, two days before his due date.  Now, don't get me wrong, that didn't make me happy.  However, it is so strange how God works.  And, it did make me smile knowing that God has my back.  It was like a little sign that I wasn't alone in all of this (I am secretly hoping she and I start a penpal-type relationship and I can go visit her in Whidbey Island--don't feel bad if you have to Google where that is--I did).
  • A coworker gave me a beautiful necklace today. So meaningful and beautiful. It is a heart that opens and inside she printed out a picture of Maggie's footprint and put it in there.  I tried to find a picture of it, but alas, no luck.  Come visit and you can see it in person.  Then you can see Mag's real footprint.  Have I told you it's adorable?
  • My mom bought Dave a bag of "Kettle Cooked Salt and Vinegar Chips."  I know they were meant for Dave, but it was a long drive home.  And those chips are my fave.  That brand has so many of the folded chips, which are definitely the best ones.
  • I was reading the blog that a friend of mine recommended.  Long story short, that blog took me to the site of another lady who, every Monday, is having a woman write about her experiences with miscarriage and/or infant loss.  So great to hear other experiences, even if I wish this on no family.  Ever.
  • I didn't blow away.  Seriously, Kansas.
  • I only cried 3 times today. Or 4. Or 5 times.  I can't remember.  But, it at least wasn't the ugly-and-you-can't-catch-your-breath-and-you-can't-breathe kind of cry.  And, it wasn't in front of my students this time, either. 
  • Coca-Cola
The bad:
  • I drove by the road where I could turn to go visit Maggie.  I hate thinking about her out there, all alone.  I hate that I'm not out there with her, taking care of her like a mother should.  I hate that I left her out there. I hate that she's out there by herself.  I hate that she's dead.
  • My goal was to make it through the day without crying.  I actually put mascara on.  Unfortunately, I think it was smeared off by 8:15 am.  
  • I struggle to pray anymore.  Do you ever get so exhausted that you can't think anymore?  Yeah, well, I'm waiting for that feeling to go away.  When I try to pray, I forget what I'm saying.  I don't know what to say. I'm a big jumbled mess.  The only thing that I can think to ask Him is, "When are you going to bring Maggie back to me?"  It sometimes seems pointless to pray when the thing I want the most, I know will not be given to me.  So, keep your prayers coming.  Lord knows I need them. 


    1. I love the ring....great choice. I am praying for you and when you cannot pray everyone else is praying for you. The poem that you posted says it all.

    2. Sometimes, tears are the best spoken prayer. Ps. 56:8

    3. I love the ring too. Prayers and HUGS.

    4. Rachel, I have not been on facebook in awhile. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I will be praying for you!

      I know how you feel to not know what to pray. I often wish that life came with more answers then questions. I know that some day we will know. Keep being strong.

    5. I LOVE the ring! It's beautiful! God knows our heart's desire, pain, and heartache even when we can't put it into words. Love you friend and pray for you often!


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