Remembering

I have mentioned Heather before.
I have mentioned that she is not creepy or stalkerish.
I'm pretty sure she's not a 40 year old man that lives in his mother's basement playing creepy video games all day.
In fact, I'm pretty sure she is an amazing, caring, beautiful mother who is part of the same stupid club I am.
We met through the this website when it was doing a series on pregnancy and infant loss.
She lost her dear son, Isaac, several weeks after Maggie died.

Since October is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness month, Heather and her family walked to remember her dear son and the steps he will never take.  They joined hundreds of others to remember the other children and their families.



Since the closest Remembrance walks are 3 hours away from us, Heather let a balloon go in honor of Maggie.
And, even though it's just a balloon,
it is so much more than that.
It's acknowledging her.
And not ignoring and brushing over the fact that she ever existed.
It's remembering her life.
And remembering how my life has changed because of her.
And remembering that I am a mama.
Even though my daughter is dead.

And it's overwhelming to think that all of these balloons represent
the love
and magic
and hope
and excitement
and overwhelming joy
that families felt for these babies.

But they are also reminders of
the pain
and loss
and grief
and the overwhelming hole
that families feel when that child is taken
too soon.

October 15 is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  People observe the day with remembrance ceremonies and candle-lighting vigils.  Finally, they end the day with the International Wave of Light, where people around the world light candles at 7:00 pm (whatever time zone they are in).

I am hoping I can remember to light 2 candles on Saturday night.
To think of Maggie
and thank God for her.

And, I'm also going to light another candle to honor of 2 college acquaintances who just lost their dear daughter, who was due in January.
Although I have not spoken with them in years, I hope they know they are in the thoughts and prayers of many.  And that, although, their daughter is not where she should be.
Or where we want her to be, she is at peace.
And I hope she is playing furiously with her new friend, Maggie.

Nettie and I=BFFs

So, my obsession with Jennifer Nettles has been multiplied by 42,538.

I think I will name our second-born Jennifer.  Or Nettalie.  Or Nettie.  

Nettie Harder has a nice ring to it.

(It's way better than some other options Dave has suggested, like Richard).

Last night Dave and I went to see Sugarland in concert.
Crossing this off of my bucket list.

Swoon.  Love. Obsess. SheisfreakingamazingMrBigglesworth.

She is in-cre-i-ble.  That's Spanish for incredible.

I could have watched her all night.
Holy pipes, Batman.

I'd totally let her be our roommate,
if she needed a place to stay in Kansas.
And Jennifer Nettles and I could be best friends.
And she could sing to me all the time.

She was so good that
I cried during the concert.
Yep.
Everyone else is dancing around.
Singing along.
Cheering and whistling and screaming.
And Dave is just about to take a picture of us.
And I had to shove his hand down.
And say, "Not now! I'm crying."
She was THAT GOOD.

It was one song.
It got to me.
But it was just what I needed to hear
after how I had been feeling all week.




In fact, the song, "Little Miss" has turned into a project.
A way to share challenges.
And realize that we'll all be alright.
We'll be okay.

And, just because this was my second favorite song from the night.
I think about Maggie every time I hear it.

(I think it will take you to youtube to watch it).

****************************************
And, a special thanks to my internet-friend-who-isn't-creepy, Heather.
Yesterday, she went on a Remembrance walk for her son
and Maggie's new friend, Isaac.

And, she let a balloon go
in memory of Maggie
and the millions of other babies
and their families.

Thank you, Heather.

Things are adding up...

For the last few days I have had people ask me how I am doing.

More than usual.

And, honestly, I don't know how to answer.

My go to answer is, "I'm hanging in there."

Because I am.

I have to.

And that is a way easier answer than the truth.

But, I do have those days.

And, lately, those days have been more often than not lately.

I wish I could pinpoint it to one specific thing.

But, I think things just keep adding up.

First, there's this.

Apparently, there is no "take me off of your mailing list because my daughter died" sign-up.

Or, at least, I don't know about it.

I got all this in one.freaking.day.

"Your baby's an infant now...

Get your baby's pictures taken 

and put it in a cute book.

And then feed her some delicious formula."

Oh wait, I can't.

All I have is a drawer full of her.  

And a box in a field.

My Maggie.

I got these in the mail and my heart just sank a little bit.

Also...

October is the month I got pregnant last year.

It is so hard not to compare this year to last year.

I understand, it's a whole new bag o' chips or whatever.

But, it's still way too easy to think about 

last year

and what we were doing

and compare dates

and feelings and 

everything.

And not get my hopes up 

and expect and want and hope and pray that the same thing happens 

(minus the whole no heartbeat thing, of course).

I don't want to get my hopes up.

But, they already are.

They have been.

Until I think about the possibility that this could all happen again.

And then my heart sinks a little more again.

Also...

And, in case you haven't noticed,

everyone and their brother sister is pregnant.

(Sidenote: If you are pregnant, I am not directing this at you, 

I'm not mad at you.

I'm heartbroken that my daughter died).

When I say everyone, I mean like a crapload of people.

I counted my facebook friends who are pregnant.

Because I am like that.

And I tend to perseverate on things until I drive myself (and others) nuts.

(Ask D...he will vouch for this, I'm sure).

And, guess how many?

Twenty-one.  

Seriously.

There are 21 people in my facebook world who are expecting their own bundle.

Which is great

until I am reminded that I never got to finish my story with Maggie.

Or, that my story about Maggie didn't end the way I thought it was going to.

It didn't end the way it should.

And...

October is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

(I'll write more about that later).

I love that there is a day to remember.

To remember babies and infants.

And their families.

In fact, I have spent too much time at this website.

I have read too many stories of other women.

And it makes me feel better.

And worse at the same time.

It reminds me that there are others like me.

Who have gone through this, and much worse, and survived.

And I'm glad that I'm not alone.

But I'm so sad that this happens so often to so many other women.

And my heart sinks even more.

Because I wish I wasn't that statistic of 1 in 4.

And I wish I had more of Maggie than just a box and drawer.

 

Goings on in November

Back in June, I posted about some exciting happenings going on in November.  I didn't write anymore because I didn't know the details.

But, I know the details now.  And, I'm freaking out a little bit because when I type this and click "publish," it means that this is actually happening.
And, like I said back in June, this is kind of out of my element.

On November 11-12, one of the local churches is hosting something called a "Sister Care" Seminar.  It is a 2 day conference- the goal is to "validate women's gifts of caring and equip them to respond more effectively and confidently to the needs of others in their lives and in the congregation."  Basically, it's a workshop for women on how we can respond to and help other women in our church congregation.  (If you want more information about these seminars, go to this website.)

Anyways, I am speaking for about 10-15 minutes on Saturday afternoon about my experiences with Maggie.  They would like me to speak about my experience with Maggie and her stillbirth but also how other people (specifically the church community) helped or could have helped more with her death.

To say the least, I am nervous about this.
I'm sure I'll be nervous to speak in front of strangers.
I'm nervous that I'll get all blubbery and won't be able to stop.
And, I'm worried that I won't be able to convey my thoughts and feelings well enough in such a short amount of time.

But, I am honored.
Honored that I get to talk about Maggie and her short, sweet life.
Honored that people think my experiences with Maggie are important enough
to share with others.
And important enough to help others.

Any woman can attend this conference, so if you are interested let me know.  It is $45 for the two days if you register by October 15 ($50 after that). I can get you the information or, at least, whom to contact if you want more information. If you cannot attend, I am going to try and post (somehow) my presentation.

Personal Chef

The other great thing about Michigan with the girls was that we didn't eat out once.
Seriously.
My friends are fantastic cooks.
They planned every meal and brought the food with them.

Gretchen was the official chef in charge.

She told me that if she wants me to cook like this for me for every meal, every day
I'd just need to pay her $50,000.
It was tempting.
But, I turned her down.
I was nervous she would wear those sweatpants in my kitchen.
And I'd have to see them everyday.


Friday

Breakfast

Fresh fruit salad

Homemade cinnamon rolls

And homemade granola with yogurt.  Must have missed that.  Must have been stuffing my face.

Lunch
White bean chili

Harvest Salad

Dinner
Chicken skewers with spicy peanut sauce and sticky rice

Roasted asparagus with fresh goat cheese.

Saturday

Breakfast

3 kinds of egg casseroles- made my Mindy

Crab and Parmesan Casserole

Sausage and Brie

Veggie

Mimosas

Lunch
Tortellini Sada

Dinner
Salmon tacos

Santa Fe Salad

Movie Snack:
Spinach Artichoke dip with fresh pretzel bread

Seriously.
$50,000 is tempting.
And especially now that I am home and realized that it is way more fun when someone cooks for you.
For every. single. meal.

(Oh, and for Rach- I almost forgot to add these nuggets of goodness.)

Michigan

“She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It's good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.”

~Toni Morrison

I spent the weekends with my girls.

My lady friends.

My besties.

I have mentioned before how much I adore them.

And, they are still amaze-balls amazing.

And more.

In fact, there is no word in the English language that can describe how much

I love them

and love being with them

and how much I laugh when I am with them

and how much I value our time

and how much I value their friendship.

Some linguist needs to jump on that.

Anyways.  Back to the ladies.

We went up to Michigan for the weekend.

(If someone asked me to show them where we went on a map

I wouldn't be able to.

I really have no idea where we were.

And I don't really care.)

I'll try to not babble on and on about them and our time.

Because I'm pretty sure what we thought was cackle-your-brains-out-funny, is not that funny to anyone else.

So, I will try to keep this short and sweet.  

Lots of hugs and delicious food and drinks.  And comfy clothes.

We picked Jill up at the train station.  Please don't ask about the wig.  We thought it was funny at the time.

Unfortunately, Gretchen would not return these sweatpants to the 1980's. 

Jill challenged Gretchen to open a beer bottle using another bottle.
Gretchen does not turn down a challenge.
She may have bled and shook violently, but she finally got it.

Little Rachel did yoga.
I think this was after she ate some seaweed or something.

Youtube watching.
Seriously. the. grossest. video. I've. ever. seen.
I could barely watch it. It was disgusting.
And things like this usually don't gross me out.
But this was disgusting.
I'm warning you.
You'll want to turn away but you'll keep watching.

Beach time.

Last night together.

I haven't laughed for 3 days straight in a long time.
And, we realized that when you turn 30, 
going to bed at 3 am and getting up at 7 
isn't the best idea.
You body doesn't quite recover as quickly.


But, all that laughter and fantastic food and coffee?
That helps with the recovery for sure.