Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Things are adding up...

For the last few days I have had people ask me how I am doing.
More than usual.
And, honestly, I don't know how to answer.

My go to answer is, "I'm hanging in there."
Because I am.
I have to.
And that is a way easier answer than the truth.
But, I do have those days.
And, lately, those days have been more often than not lately.

I wish I could pinpoint it to one specific thing.
But, I think things just keep adding up.

First, there's this.

Apparently, there is no "take me off of your mailing list because my daughter died" sign-up.
Or, at least, I don't know about it.
I got all this in
"Your baby's an infant now...
Get your baby's pictures taken 
and put it in a cute book.
And then feed her some delicious formula."

Oh wait, I can't.
And a box in a field.
My Maggie.

I got these in the mail and my heart just sank a little bit.

October is the month I got pregnant last year.
It is so hard not to compare this year to last year.
I understand, it's a whole new bag o' chips or whatever.
But, it's still way too easy to think about 
last year
and what we were doing
and compare dates
and feelings and 
And not get my hopes up 
and expect and want and hope and pray that the same thing happens 
(minus the whole no heartbeat thing, of course).

I don't want to get my hopes up.
But, they already are.
They have been.
Until I think about the possibility that this could all happen again.
And then my heart sinks a little more again.

And, in case you haven't noticed,
everyone and their brother sister is pregnant.
(Sidenote: If you are pregnant, I am not directing this at you, 
I'm not mad at you.
I'm heartbroken that my daughter died).
When I say everyone, I mean like a crapload of people.
I counted my facebook friends who are pregnant.
Because I am like that.
And I tend to perseverate on things until I drive myself (and others) nuts.
(Ask D...he will vouch for this, I'm sure).
And, guess how many?
There are 21 people in my facebook world who are expecting their own bundle.
Which is great
until I am reminded that I never got to finish my story with Maggie.
Or, that my story about Maggie didn't end the way I thought it was going to.
It didn't end the way it should.

October is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss Awareness Month.
October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
(I'll write more about that later).
I love that there is a day to remember.
To remember babies and infants.
And their families.

In fact, I have spent too much time at this website.
I have read too many stories of other women.
And it makes me feel better.
And worse at the same time.
It reminds me that there are others like me.
Who have gone through this, and much worse, and survived.
And I'm glad that I'm not alone.
But I'm so sad that this happens so often to so many other women.

And my heart sinks even more.
Because I wish I wasn't that statistic of 1 in 4.
And I wish I had more of Maggie than just a box and drawer.



  1. It seems like every time I read your(heartfelt and honest) blog, it's during a time I'm really struggling with not being able to have more than one child. I always close out your blog with a prayer of peace to you, and a feeling of being blessed with my one child. You are not only the face of 1 in 4. You are also the face for those of us whose journey of having children has ended, and realizing how lucky we really are. Shuts down my pity party every time. Blessings to you and yours.

  2. oh man, another post I could have written. Things have been rough lately for me too. I lost it last night. Hoping things look up for us both soon (even though things still won't be the way we want them to). Hugs, friend.


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