Sunday, March 18, 2012

525,600 minutes ago

Friday, March 16, 2012:
I did fine during the day except for when I started opening up cards and gifts from my coworkers.
And I was reminded, not only of how much has happened in the last year
and how much I would love to have Maggie here, 
but also what a great support system I have around me.
Thank you to those of you who acknowledged Maggie
and her birthday
and the joy she brought us.
Thank you for taking the time to acknowledge
Maggie's short life with us.
I know that some of you went out of your way 
to mention something to me.
And I know it may have been uncomfortable.
And it would have been easier to not say anything.
But, thank you.
Whether it was texts,
facebook messages,
letters, or
phone calls.
Your words are the most acknowledgement we have gotten 
of our daughter since last year.
And, as her mama, it is so nice to hear her name
and know that people know how much I miss her.

(Also, for those whom I had no idea were reading my blog and you let me know yesterday, through facebook or snail mail, that you were thinking of me and praying for us...I appreciate it. Thank you.) 

Friday was not an easy day.   
As that day was the day my world was flipped upside down.
And I am so thankful that I have people around me
who knew that it would not be easy.

From some friends/coworkers and dear family:

Some of you know about the organization "Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope."  It is a place for women to connect about miscarriage, infant loss, or stillbirth as well as place for people to go for resources to help those they know whom have experienced such a loss.  I have met some wonderful people through this website and read some incredible stories.

One of my coworkers, and dear friends,  knows that I love this organization and what they are working towards.  
And in honor of Maggie's birthday she made a donation so that women can continue to have a resource of support for them.
Thank you.
Thank you, K.B.
Thank you, A.T.~ it is hanging perfectly in our kitchen window.
Thank you S.A. & P. U. (I never realized your initials were P.U.  Funny!)

From Cooper and his parents (read about him here and here- he always gives Maggie flowers!
And some beautiful flowers...
From some dear cousins...
From Baltimore.  They know this pain all too well.  Thank you.
Saturday, March 17, 2012:
I have struggled with how to celebrate this day.
Because the word celebrate doesn't seem right.
And I'm not sure what to call this day.
It's Maggie's birthday.
But it's so much more.
And everything that I thought about doing just didn't seem like it was enough.
Like, what could I do that would honor her enough but not be over the top?

Dave and I ended up having a very low-key day at home.
In the evening, we went out to her grave.
I had some new stuff to put out
since I knew her pink pinwheel
probably was going to be trashed.

I added a few things that I hope will withstand the Kansas wind and heat.

I tried to find some hawks or something, but those are not popular.
My second best option were 2 little birds.
One for Maggie.
One for Nugget
(as we have no resting ground for Nuggs).
And a pink M for Maggie.

We spent the rest of the evening at the cabin hear Maggie's grave.
I hope she heard our voices and our laughter
and remembered the sound of my heart
and voice.
And she remembered how much we love her.
And miss her.
And wish she was not buried
and, instead, in our arms or toddling around the field.

Sunday, March 18, 2012:
Maggie's tree is going to bloom any day now.
I am so excited to see the progress
and it's amazing to me how it is blooming so close to her birthday.

In some ways, 
I'd give anything to relive a year ago.
So that I could take more pictures
and hold her longer
and count her toes one more time.
I'd love to be able to relive that moment.
And savor it a little longer.

And, in other ways,
I'm extremely grateful I didn't have to relive that day again.
I never want to relive that day,
and, honestly, I don't know if my heart could handle that again.
I never understood the phrase of "heart breaking"
until a year ago.

So, for those of you wondering how the weekend was?
Or how the day was?
It was less eventful than last year.
That's a plus, I guess.

Happy Birthday, dear Maggie.
There are no words for how much my heart loves you
and misses you
and wishes that your life had not ended when it did.
I had such big plans for you and I.
I hope that you are taking good care of your little brother.
It seems crazy that you have been gone for a year already
and I have thought about you every. single. day.
and probably every single hour.
I hope you had a good birthday, even if I couldn't be with you.

Your Mama

"I held her close for only a short time but after she was gone, I'd see her smile on the face of a perfect stranger and I knew she would be there with me all the rest of my days."  ~Brian Andreas
(Thanks, G for the text.)


  1. It sounds like you found a wonderful way to spend Maggie's birthday. It's great you have such a great support system. ((hugs))

  2. Just beautiful and heartbreaking. I am glad you found something lovely to do for her birthday. She was lucky to have you and you to have had her.
    Thinking of you, MissConception


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