Monday, March 5, 2012


A few things for you today.

1. Recently Bought
This is fabulous because I hate playing with the cheeses.
(And, I hate playing with D's brother.
We have now banned the phrase, "You should know this!" from the game.)
And, I hate to admit it, but D is really good at answering.
I shouldn't be surprised, though.
He was 5th grade Geography Bee champ.
And, he's still a giant Nerd.

2.  Currently Reading
Any suggestions?

3. Recently Watched (And then peed my pantalones)
If you've had a bad day, you need to watch this.
I have watched is over and over.
And I cry every time I watch it.
Because it is so ridiculously funny.
I dedicate this to my dear friend and coworker, CA,
who takes the bull by the horns
and teaches my dear 4th graders how to play recorders, too.
I believe that they sound similar.
The good stuff starts at 0:20.
(Fergs bit me after I played 3:19 over and over.
Not kidding.  Her ears kept twitching.)

4.  Looking Forward To
Because school lunch is Corn Dogs.
because I get to have my blood drawn.
Pray for a score of zero!
I hope corn dogs don't increase your hcg levels
or I'm screwed.

5. Recently Discussed
Today we were reading a book about a funeral.
We were talking about hearses and coffins and the like.
(And, if you're wondering, the book is The 39 Clues- great series for kids, even if it does start out with a funeral).
Anyways, a kid asked me (totally out of the blue):

Kid: How big was her coffin?

Me: Whose? Aunt Grace's (character in book)?

Kid: No, your baby's.  Did you have to get it specially made for her?

Me: Deer in headlights. 
        Um, no.  They make smaller coffins for babies.

Kid:  How big was it? Yay big? (Demonstrates size with his hands)

Me:  Um, yes.  About that big.

Class:  Oh! That's cute! (Cute?  Errrm.  Not really.)

Definitely not part of the lesson plan.
But, it's part of life.
I kept it simple.
Answered his questions
and didn't elaborate.
I am, however, a bit curious if this will be a discussion at dinner tonight.

6. Recently Born

I mentioned my email friend, Alli, a few days ago.
She lost Harrison last May
and has been on bed rest for the last several months
while she anxiously anticipated the arrival of her second son, Nolan.
Nolan Thomas was born on February 28--
and everyone is healthy and happy!
She sent me an email yesterday
(I hope you don't mind that I'm sharing this, Alli)
that stated,
"My son is living proof that God's love is greater than any amount of suffering
and hope is greater than fear."
I'm so glad that she has her Rainbow baby.
And it's so nice to hear happy news.
It gives me hope.

7.  Head Shrink
I've met with my head shrink twice.
And, it's so weird.
How just talking can be so cathartic.
And helpful.
And even though I talk a lot about things
and I feel like I'm open
about Maggie
and Nugget
and my handicapped ovaries,
it is different talking to someone who is outside my circle of life
(cue: Lion King music).
The outside perspective is so nice.
I guess one of the things that is helpful is that
I actually believe what she's saying.
Instead of thinking,
"Oh, (s)he's just saying that to make me feel better."
Or whatever.
Which is my issue that I think that when someone says anything to me.
Hence, why I'm going to head shrinky-dink in the first place.

Anyways, it's great.
I love it.
She asks the right questions
and makes me think.
The biggest thing?
She affirms my feelings.
And says, "I think you should be feeling anger and sadness.
Your feelings are normal."
And that is so nice to hear.

And for any baby-loss,
normal-life loss
person out there?
I would highly recommend it.
It doesn't mean you're psycho
or losing your mind
or weak.
It means you want to live a better and happier life.
And you don't want to be stuck where you are for the next 10 years.

More on all that in the future.

8.   Recently Received
I got a package in the mail this week.
I knew whom it was from just by seeing the handwriting.
An adorable little cheery bird
and a hope stone (perfect for 2012).
from Ten Thousand Villages.

Thanks, JBR.
I'll play some Natalie in honor of you
and your kindness.

9.  Recently Got Annoyed Over This
I read this article a few days ago.
I realize you aren't reading the blog to read my tirade.
Or you are.
And that's fantastic.
(Just imagine being married to me.
you could hear it all the time!)
1.  When pregnancy & infant loss happen to 1 in 4 women, it seems only legitimate that people talk about it.  This should be something that is discussed a lot more than it is.  So, I'm glad it's getting talked about.
2.  I'm sorry that some parent's grief makes others so uncomfortable.  So uncomfortable, in fact, that those bystanders feel alienated enough not to comfort the parents.  However, that seems a bit selfish--that the grieving parents need to be sensitive enough not to make others uncomfortable by over-sharing.  Shame on us for making others feel awkward.  But, get over it.   The last thing on our mind is if we are making others uncomfortable.  And, if you are that shallow enough to feel sheepish if I over-shared, I'm pretty sure your comfort wasn't going to be that life changing for me anyways.
3. And I do not believe this blog is stalling the healing process. Instead it has brought me great healing because of the circle of support that I have received. By family, friends, and strangers.
I'm done.

10.  And
I miss those little peanuts.
and Maggie.
(Way better than Magget).
It's weird how such little things can dig so deep into your heart.
It's kind of ridiculous, actually.


  1. We had corndogs for lunch today! I was SOOOOO excited!!! They really can make a girl feel a little better.

  2. Beki--not your kid. I only tell funny stories about him on here. Ones that you would be proud of. :)

  3. *whew* To my knowledge, my kid doesn't even know your story. He just knows "Mrs. Harder has gone through some really hard things and could use lots of love and good behavior." That's the extent of what I've told him.


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