Lightning does strike twice

I was hoping to share some good news with you in the next couple of weeks.
Like baby-nugget-goodness good news.

Before New Year's D and I found out we were expecting a baby.
Words cannot describe the feelings of elation and terror and wonder and trepidation that we felt.

Unfortunately, that news is no longer.

We went in today for a sonogram.
I was 8 weeks, 4 days.
And unfortunately, there was no heartbeat.
Again.

To say the least, we are devastated and heartbroken.
We are confused
and shocked
and heartsick.
We are mourning the loss of another precious part of our family.
Mourning the loss of another child.
We have lost our hope.
Again.

I go in Friday morning for a D&C.

Rest in Peace little love nugget.

What's It Like?

What's it like

to try to create a family, and be able to do it privately?
Without the help of nurses,
doctors,
and pharmacies?

What's it like 

to try to conceive your kid for free?
And to try and conceive your kid with your husband in the same room?
And not have to worry about if you can afford to make your family or not?
Is that nice?

What's it like 

to want a family and then just, like, get one?

And not have to worry about charting
and meds
and shots
and cycle days
and waiting
and what if...?

What's it like 

to know what the answer to 

"Do you have kids?" is?

And what's it like

to not feel your face flush with embarrassment and sadness
when someone asks you when you are going to start your family?

What's it like 

to deliver your child,
knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel?
That all of the pain
and work
and discomfort will soon be relieved by the sights and sounds of your
newborn child?

What's it like

to deliver your child
and hear a cry
a gasp
a scream of life?
Instead of utter silence.
Instead of nothing.
Instead of "I'm sorry."

What's it like 

to deliver your child and feel complete and utter happiness?
Instead of complete and utter sorrow?

What's it like to hold your daughter for the first time
and feel joy?
Instead of sadness
and guilt and regret.

And what is it like

to know that the first time you meet your child will not also be your last?

What's it like 

to leave the hospital with your child in a carseat?
Instead of in a box?

What's it like 

to spend your evenings with your child?
Instead of wondering what it's like wherever she is?
And if she is too cold out in that field?
And if she has forgotten what you look like?
Or what your voice sounds like?

What is it like

to know what your child sounds like?
And smells like?
And looks like?

What is it like 

to hear your child?
To know her personality?
And that she has a nose like her mama
and eyes like her dad?

What is it like 

to never have to think about your dead child?
And wonder what she would be like at this age
and compare every baby you see
to her?

What is it like

to never wonder why God didn't keep your daughter alive?

What is it like

when you've never prayed to have 

just a living, breathing baby?

Someday?

What is it like?

Things to be thankful for

1.  My dear mother.
This past week my mother celebrated her birthday.
Now, let me tell you about my mother.
She may be one of the most generous and kind women I have met.

Let me back up.
My car started having some issues.
Like a bit of smoke coming out of the turn signal
and my brights never shutting off.
So, she was generous enough to lend me her car.
Her brand new car
with heated seats.
Hallelujah.
And satellite radio.
Hallelujah.
And non-smoking turn signals.
And the new car smell.
So that I wouldn't have to drive to and from work in a car that has the potential of internally combusting at any moment.
AND
not only did she lend me her car, but she took mine to the car mechanic.
Twice.
And waited for a gagillion hours for them to do tests.
How many mothers would do that?

THEN.
I went to her house Friday morning before work to exchange cars.
It was her birthday morning.
And, she had snickerdoodle muffins waiting for me and my coworkers.
They.were.still.warm.
Who does that?
Makes muffins for her daughter on her own birthday?

AND TO TOP THINGS OFF.
I returned to their house to pay them for my car repairs after work.
And, since they knew it was Friday night and the last thing I wanted to do was cook?
They had gotten D and me Indian food for dinner.
Seriously.
I could not drive home fast enough.
It was delicious.

So, on her birthday, my mother made me muffins and bought me dinner and returned my broken car to me.
Who does that?
Besides an amazing mother?

I hope that I can continue the tradition of generosity and kindness with my kid(s).
She is an amazing woman and mother and grandmother.
And, she is the best cook ever.
Well, her and my dad are tied.


**Sorry- no pictures available.  I snarfed those muffins and that Indian food down.**


2.  D and I get to go to Vegas!
He gets to go to a vet conference for continuing ed in February and I am lucky enough to get to go along for a long weekend.
And what's even better?
I am missing a day of school but it is a School Improvement day.
What does that mean?
NO SUB PLANS.
If you're a teacher, you totally get what I'm gettin' at.
That's freaking awesome.
That just saved me several hours of my life.

So, we are staying at some hotel. I forget which one.
And now we are thinking about going to a show.
Recommendations?
Restaurant suggestions?

Just don't recommend the Beatles Show.
Don't hate us,
but both of us are not Beatles fans.
At all.
I think we'd rather go see Celine Dion.
Seriously.

I'm pumped.

3.  We met another neighbor.
Yeah, the one with the pool.
His name is Hank.
He told us, "We'll invite you over to come swimming.  Or, come over whenever.  And we can have a beer."
My summer is planned.
Done.
Since we have no grass, I don't have to worry about mowing.
(Oh, and this guy has a rider.  Do you think he would be willing to knock down the fence between our houses and let me just borrow/have his?)

4.  We bought the tile for our backsplash.
That's our project for next weekend.
If you'd like to pray for us, that would be great.
Pray that we are not divorced after doing a home reno project together.
I'll post pictures if it doesn't look like crap.

5.  Remember that issue with our insurance?
Yeah? That huge bill we got in the mail back in July?
Just a reminder, the bill wasn't even from Maggie's birth.
It was from February, when she was still alive.
And it was for a large sum of money.
So, D went ahead and became that guy on the phone who complained to the insurance company.
I wasn't sure if it would work.
(I know, I should have totally trusted my knight in shining armor.  Ahem.)
I thought if it did work, we would still have to pay part of the bill.
Well, thank the good Lord up above.
He called the Clinic last week
and the bill is now zero.
Nada.
Cero.
Zero.
Zilch.
We don't have to pay anything!

This is fabulous news!
And we are so thankful that we can use that money to pay for other medical bills.

Finished Grading!

I knew you guys would be curious if I finished grading.

I did.
None went in the recycling.
Except one.
Because it didn't have a name on it.

But, I saved one.
Because it was hilarious.
Can you read it?

My dream is: to stay alive.

In my dream, people would People will be alive.

Here is something I can do to make my dream come true: to be safe and stay helthy and not get ran over.

That's an excellent goal, honey.
This almost made the grading worth it.
But not really at all.

Ten Things

1. Last thing pinned on Pinterest

Pretty sure no boys use this bathroom.

So, D and I are working on doing the backsplash in our kitchen.  We put new cabinets in a year and a half ago and just now are we getting around to the backsplash.  But, you know how you go into those home improvement stores and you suddenly have a whole crapload of stuff you want to fix and redo in your house? You go in to return some tiles and you end up looking at:

• Dryers that don't sound like a jetplane taking off in your laundry room.
• Wood floors that you want to put in to replace all the floors in your entire house.
• Stamped concrete ideas for the back deck.
• Vanities for a new bathroom.

And you only buy a tile and some 2x4s and some screws.

And then you leave.

Feeling completely depressed because you realize how much work all that would be. 

Oh, and you also realize that you are not rich and money does not grow on trees.

And then on the way home D said, "I need to start playing the lottery."

Get on that.

(Oh, also, we walked past the riding mowers. I was ogling them.  D reminded me that we won't need to buy one this year since we have no grass.  Super. Dirt is the way cheaper option.

2. Last time I procrastinated

Right now.  

Doing this so that I don't have to grade multiplication tests.  Ugh.

I loathe grading.

Especially when I know that I could be searching on pinterest for my dream bathroom and backsplash and wood floor and patio and lawn.

3.  Package in the mail

A beautiful scarf knitted by a beautiful friend.

She said that as she knitted this, she prayed for me.

Isn't it awesome?

Kind of hoping that Kansas gets its rear in gear and gets some snow.

This is getting ridiculous.

Love it.

Thank you, SN.

For the scarf and for the prayers.

And I'm hoping that we'll be in MN sometime when you guys haven't left.

4.  Newest jewelry

Back in May, I told you about our tech-guy-with-social-skills-and-his-wife.

Since then, I have met her and chatted with her several times.

She is lovely

and obviously has a loving, wonderful heart.

Well, the other day she stopped by at work.

She dropped off this bracelet.

It's not brand new and it has been used by several other women before, which I love.

It has a history and a story.

She decided to pass it on to me, as she has used it, as have some other women before her.

On it is the verse Matthew 7:7

"Ask and it will be given to you; Seek and you will find, Knock and the door will be opened to you."

Thank you, SAU.

This is my prayer.

This is the prayer of a lot of women I know.

5.  Fergie's Latest Photo Shoot

With Puppy, whom she likes to scruff by the neck, drag around the house, and then bathe.

Just in case you were wondering, she has not slimmed down.

She is a conniving little tricky jerk-face.

She tries to get fed double the food, but trying to convince us with her cute and pitiful whines that she hasn't been fed yet.  When, in fact, she has already stuffed her face into her bowl of MeowMix goodness and inhaled the entire bowl full.

Fatty.

6.  Last youtube video I watched

How 'bout we fill a poptart with nasty meat?
Sorry to those you who enjoy caliente pockets.

7. Word of the year, maybe?

So, there's been talk on the interwebs about people having a word of the year, instead of resolutions or whatever.
I'm over resolutions.
This word thing could work for me.
But, the words I would first choose don't seem too deep or philosophical.
Like, I'd love to pick "Coke" or "Chips" or "Sweatpants" and just make it a goal continue to include one of those in my life as a daily basis.
I'm pretty sure I'd be happier.
Until I had to wear real pants.
(And then I'd cry.)
My sister gave me this cute little guy for Christmas.
Kind of perfect, right?
So, maybe it was a sign.
That hope should be my word of the year.
That the things I most hope for
an addition to our family and
a happy ending and
doctor's visits with happy news and
that teachers will no longer have to do any grading and
being able to wear scrubs or sweatpants to work
will be fulfilled.

8.  How I'm Doing

Some people have written me over the past week or two and have asked if me I am doing okay since I haven't been writing as much lately.

The answer is yes, I'm okay.

I think most bloggers (even fake ones like myself) can attest to the fact that sometimes you get in writing slumps.  

That, no matter, what happens, you can't quite think of what to write, or how to write it.

So, things are good.

But, your notes of encouragement and your notes of reassuring prayers are so helpful.

And calming.

Thank you.

9.  Latest Splurge

That's right, I like to live on the edge.

10.  Grading

Just in case you were wondering, it's still not done.

Son of a gun.

Get Real

I've talked about my sister a lot on this here blog.

I've told you how great she is and how great her kids are.

I think she's pretty fan-freaking-tastic.

Everyday she checks in on me.

To see how I'm doing.

To make sure I'm hanging in there.

She knows I have the tendency to be a little down on myself at times.

Or, at least, frustrated that my life isn't quite going the way I envisioned when I mapped it all out.

So.

She sent me a link to a blog today.

I know, I know.

Seriously.

Enough with the blogs.

But, here's the thing.

This is a DUDE's blog.

Since when have dudes started blogging?

(Besides this guy who cooks amazing stuff and 

looks like he is captain of his school's chess club.

Sorry to judge.

Just sayin'.)

Anyways.

Yeah, so it's a dude writing.

And he's good.

And he shares his feelings 

and he is funny

and he gushes on and on about his son,

which just melts my pea-pickin' heart.

So, my sister sent me the link to this post, called "The Disease called Perfectionism."

And she said that she thought of me when she read this entry.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure she wasn't insinuating that I am perfect

and that she struggles in dealing with that.

I'm pretty sure she's suggesting that I have issues.

Surprise, folks.

I have issues.

Many issues.

I have this tendency to try to have things perfect.

Or, to at least have people think that things are perfect, 

going well, 

smoothly, 

no bumps in the road whatsoever.

Huh.

And, for some reason, this dude's post made me think.

He encourages his readers to be real.

Go to the link above to read it all, but my favorite part is when he says, "Be bold about your weakness and you will change people's lives.  Be honest about who you actually are, and others will begin to be their actual selves around you..."

Can I get an AMEN?

I didn't get this Before Maggie (I tried to do a clever "Life B.M." but that wasn't cute. Just gross.)

I tried, for the life of me, to keep our infertility on the down-low.

When people asked me when we were going to have kids, 

I would always come up with some answer, 

"Once we're done with grad school" or

"Once we get settled."

Don't worry, I never said, "We're having fun trying."

Because, honestly, that's weird

and socially inappropriate.  

I was determined that people did not need to know about "my issues."

It was none of their business about my doctor's appointments

or my ovaries

or the shots

or how long we'd been "trying"

or how we just weren't relaxing enough to conceive

(please don't say that to anyone you know).

But, life After Maggie?

That's different.

(In so many, many ways).

I.don't.care.

If people want to ask or read about 

my ovaries or

my shots or

my doctor's appointments

or how relaxed we have been?

Super.

Because

I feel.so.much.freaking.better.and.happier.

I never realized how stressed out about it I was.

Keeping things secret is really hard work.

It was exhausting trying to be secretive about

leaving for doctor's appointments

or not going on trips because of doctor's appointments.

I was mentally exhausted.

And emotionally exhausted.

Because I had no support.

I had no one to talk to who could relate to me

and support me and pray for me and give me advice.

I was not getting the most important things that I needed.

So, now?

Now that you on the internets (and in real life) know?

and read all this junk? 

and you write nice notes?

and say nice things to me about all this?

It's fantastic.

It's what every woman needs for their imperfections.  

Support.

Knowing that you're not alone.

And not crazy.

And not the only loser in the world who is experiencing

the feelings of loneliness

and craziness

and worthlessness

(and, in my case, the feelings of way too much prodding and what-not 

and way too many people in that place that we will not mention because my great aunts and in-laws read this here blog and that would be awkward).

I wish I would have spilled the beans years ago.

Life is so much better now that I have been real with people.

And, the more I share, the more I realize there are more of "me" out there.

More women who are shamed by unmet expectations.

More women who have felt worthless because their family is still two people

(and yes, that's a family).

So, not only am I glad that I laid it out there that I'm not perfect so that I could get support,

but, I am thrilled that I can give it, too.

Because I know how important

and life-giving it is.

Life is different after Maggie.

For so many reasons.

This is one of the good ones, I guess.

(Disclaimer: Please do not be real with others if you could appear in TLC's My Strange Addiction.  If you eat your couch cushions there's no amount of friend love that can fix that crazy.)

10 Things

1. Most recent thing pinned on pinterest

Ziti with Portobello Mushrooms, Carmelized Onions, and Goat Cheese

Delicious Recipe from here

If you didn't know, mushrooms are my first favorite food. 

Along with pickles (especially Jimmy John's pickles), noodles, bread, and sometimes ice cream.

Oh, and delicious beverages.

Can those count as favorite foods?

 2. Book I'm currently reading

Creepy? Yes. 

Amazing? Yes.

Only 27% more to read until I'm finished.

3. Last thing that made me laugh

In class (names have been changed to protect privacy).
Juan speaks and reads un poquito of English.

Boy: Hey, do you think that Juan got confused at our Christmas concert?

Me: Why would he have been confused?

Boy: In the chair section that said "Reserved for Seniors" do you think he thought it meant that it was only reserved for señors?

Rest of the class: Completely distracted and laughing.

How do 10 year olds come up with these things?

4. Most recent youtube video watched

I don't want to get on a religious or political soapbox here. That's not my deal.  However, "stillbirth creepiness" has been in the news a lot lately- this issue with Santorum as well as the issue with the Duggar's taking a picture of their daughter, Jubilee.  The idiot writer who wrote the article states, "From what I know of parents who have lost chidren, it's horrific. It's not something you want pictures of...it is distasteful."  Tell this to NILMDTS and the thousands, or perhaps millions, of people who have gathered comfort from these photos.

Dudes.  I've been there. I was there a year ago. I totally would have said that it was creepy and weird and gross and not okay that people were taking their dead babies home or taking picture of them.  

BUT.

Obviously, Mag-dawg has changed me. 

It is not gross or weird or terrifying.  And, even if you think it is- too bad. It's not your decision.

And despite what your political or religious beliefs, it is not up to the public to decide how someone grieves the loss of their child.   

5.  Last blog read

The Rusted Chain

Mother of a student.

Amazing jewelry maker (I have 3 of her necklaces and bought my sister one for Christmas).

Beautiful photographer.

And she's freaking hilarious.

And so is her son.

He may or may not have been the boy student from above talking crazy stuff about señors.

Go there and buy some jewelry from her.

Then tell her I sent you so that I can get some sort of discount.

Or have a son as nice as her's.

Or something.

6.  Most listened to Pandora playlist

Mat Kearney.  

Goog him.

7.  Plans for dinner

Super Stuffed Tortillas out of the Simply in Season cookbook.

Delicious.

Black beans, peppers, corn, zucchini, tortillas.

However, I'm giving a side-eye to the Jimmy John's gift cards that are on our counter.

I could get me one of those delish pickles.

8. Husband's latest obsession

He is positive we need these.

So that he can watch TV while I'm reading or sleeping.

Since I have the bedtime of a 4 year old.

I'm pretty sure the guy in the picture is smiling because he is now dutch-ovening the crap out of her dreams.

9.  Most recently discovered blog

Motley Mama

Don't know how she found me, but she's a reader.

And her blog is hilarious.

It's about her and her husband and her baby.

But she's not all up your face with her baby awesomeness.

She complains about it.

And she's funny.

And a fantastic writer.

And got the idea for this list of 10 random things from her.

Go check her out.

I hope I don't creep her out. 

10.  Last song heard

"I'm Sexy and I Know It" 

Sung by my husband.

When he walked into the house wearing new cowboy boots.

Oy vay.

My life has completely changed from when I was 16.

Sexy? 

Cowboy boots?

Not convinced.

Right now, I'm pretty sure I only like little pink ones.
Like these ones.