Sunday, February 5, 2012

Dear Pregnancy,

Dear Pregnancy,

You and I, for some reason, have gotten off on the wrong foot.  I'm not sure why.  I'm not even sure when it happened.  But, for some reason, you have a beef with me.  Did I do something to rub you the wrong way?  Because it pretty much seems like you're not a fan of me. And, I just quite haven't figured out why.

You are a mystery to me.  A miraculous mystery.  I wish I could be writing to you under different circumstances.  But, in fact, I'm not a huge fan of you. I should be, but you really confuse me.

Yes, you have a reason to have a big head.  You're kind of a big deal. I mean, you make people.  You grow little poppyseed seahorses into adorable little babies.  I get it. I know why people are impressed with you.  They should be.  I mean, you do amazing things.  But, for some and I just haven't clicked.  You keep abandoning me.  You become really good friends with me, you show me some of your awesome tricks, and leave.  I don't get it.  And, I have given you the best accommodations possible.  I've paid extra money for extra special amenities.  And still.

The first time you and I met (Remember? November 2010 or so?), I was ecstatic to finally have met you.  I had been wanting to meet you for a long freaking time. I paid a lot of money to meet you. I drove to many appointments in the hopes that you and I could soon meet up.  When we finally did meet, I was elated.  I was cautious, yes, but completely overjoyed.  Of course, it crossed my mind that you could up and leave at any point, but I trusted you.  I was sure you wouldn't leave me.  Especially when I had worked so hard to meet you.  And, especially after knowing you for 6 long months, I was sure that you wouldn't just abandon me.  That doesn't happen between good friends, right?  They have doctors and technology to make sure that that doesn't happen anymore.


I was way wrong.

In March you left, and took my precious first daughter along with you.  My thoughts on you changed.  I wish they hadn't. I didn't want to be bitter. But, the way that things ended between us, it was impossible for things not to be awkward.  I didn't want to be that lady. That bitter lady.  It was hard to know that D and I had worked so hard- put so much energy and time and money- into you being a part of our lives and then you just up and left.  And then other people?  They don't treat you as they should- they feed you the wrong things and don't care for you as I did, and you still stay. I just didn't get it.

I was bitter that you stayed with others when you left us with such empty hearts.  I was sure that we had treated you better than other people. I was sure that others were not appreciating you the way we had. I was sure that we would have been better caretakers of you and your precious gift.

Then, December 2011 came around.  You visited us, stopped by for a bit.  I desperately wanted to see you again.  Experience your miracle. But, I was cautious. You had broken the trust once, I knew you could do it again.  Mom always said that trust is easily broken and slowly gained.  Pregnancy, this is so true about you.  I wanted you and I to be besties. Not like how Michelle Duggar or Nadya Suleman are besties with you.  But, you know, good friends.  I wanted to spend the next 10 months with you, trusting that you would offer me a miraculous child.  I was so incredibly thankful that you had visited us again.  But, it just wasn't that fun.  I knew that you could leave at any point.

During the time you were with us, I didn't know what to do with you.  I wanted to revel in the joy you brought D and I.  But, I couldn't.  Not only did I know your history, but others had been betrayed by you as well.  You have met many of my friends.  And you have betrayed many of my friends as well.  I knew that our announcement of joyous news would bring heartache and sadness and tears to many other people. Many others who have been praying for your visit for years and have been wanting to announce your visit to their own family.  How can I delight in my own miracle when I know that there are others who are hurting from my joy?

And then. You did it again. It's like you ate and ran.  You hardly stayed. But, even in your short visit, you brought D and I so much happiness.  And, that's why you're dumb.  Even in a few weeks time, you brought us such joy and hope and visions of a future that we have been praying for for so long.

So, what I'm saying is I'm feeling ambivalent on your next arrival, if you ever choose to return to our family.  As much as I hate to admit it (am I like the abused wife?), I cannot wait for your return.  I cannot wait to see you again because there is a joy that fills my heart when you come around.

So, what I'm asking is: Can we patch things up between us?  Can you come back for another visit sometime soon?  And can you stay for a lot longer?  Say, 40 weeks or so?


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