1. Just Realized
I'm coming down with nasty cold.
I should have known.
Because just a few weeks ago I was thinking, "Man, I haven't gotten sick this whole school year."
That is dumb to think that.
Because whenever I do, I get sick.
I'm hoping it's something that some extra sleep and a weekend can cure.
There's no way I can miss school next week.
Dreaded state assessments are coming up.
2. Dreaded Holiday
Stupid St. Patrick's Day is coming up.
I never really cared about the holiday until last year.
Now, it just brings sadness.
Even with all the glittery shamrocks
and green-colored everything.
St. Patrick's Day is the day Maggie was born.
It's her birthday.
(All of the nurses that helped me that day were wearing sparkly necklaces.)
Isn't your child's birthday supposed to make you happy?
I'm supposed to be preparing for a 1st birthday party.
Not that I would go over the top for the party,
but I'd at least have a little cake for her to smash her fatty face into.
And we could sing to her.
And she could sit there and rip paper
and play with the boxes and bags and tissue paper.
Instead, I don't know what I want to do.
I want to do something to remember Maggie.
And her birth.
What have the rest of you done for 1st birthdays?
The only relief I have is that once this is over, I have officially done all of the firsts with Maggie, right?
And, for those of you who have done it,
please tell me it getting easier.
3. Stuck my foot in my mouth
A kid at school was taking forever to get stuff ready to go home.
I went over to him and told him, "Hurry up, bud--it's time to go home."
He told me, "Just a sec."
Now, if you know him like I do, you know that 'just a sec' does not mean just a sec. It means I'll come when I am ready.
I quickly said, "Joe, I do not have a lot of secs."
Read that out loud and you'll realize what my issue was.
He looked at me like, "What.the.#*@&$*$*?"
And I quickly said, "Come on! We don't have time for this. Let's go!"
I think he realized what I meant and just kept slowly trying to clean up.
I walked away.
And wishing there had been another adult in there to share in my mortification (is that even a word?)
So completely sure that I was going to get a phone call asking,
"Why did you talk to my son about your secs life?"
I never did.
D and I have our post-surgery appointment this Wednesday.
Hopefully the genetic testing is done so that we don't have to go in a second time.
I'm not sure how I feel about going to this stupid appointment.
I should be 12 weeks pregnant.
Not going in to find out how my second little sparkle died.
Then on Thursday I have my second appointment with my head shrink.
I am excited to go back.
I feel like the 60 minutes I spent with her last time was helpful.
She challenged me with the right questions
and gave me a few things to work on.
And she also is having me read Why Bad Things Happen to Good People
since I've been struggling with, I think, the normal questions of God's involvement in all of this.
If you haven't read it, read it.
More on that book later.
5. In the News
I know most of you probably won't even know who Bethenny Frankel is.
She is a reality TV star and, although she and I live completely different lifestyles,
I find her hilarious.
She recently was on Today and spoke about her recent miscarriage.
I appreciate her honesty
and I appreciate her holding back tears.
That's how it is.
Whenever you talk about it,
you just can't stop those stupid things from forming.
6. I'm Getting Old
My students were playing the game Apples to Apples Junior the other day.
They got a card that said "Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen."
And they said, "Who are they?"
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen?
Every kid knows who they are.
|If you're really wanting this picture for yourself, go here. But it's weird you want it.|
7. Recently Watched
A coworker showed this to us at lunch the other day.
We decided we needed a day at lunch each week to watch stupid videos.
It made us laugh.
And made state assessments not so annoying.
8. Beautiful Blog
I found this a while back--it is absolutely beautiful.
It is a place for people to go (women, men, children, whomever)
and publish the artwork (paintings, poems, pictures, etc)
that they have created to express grief, survival, sadness, love, and hope.
Reading the poems
and looking at the pictures
makes me realize that, once again,
I am not alone in my sadness.
And I am not the only one who has thoughts of loneliness
And I am normal to still be grieving.
Even if others have forgotten
and moved on.
I've heard your sense of smell brings back more memories than anything else.
I probably believe it.
That and songs bringing back memories.
Like how whenever I hear "To Be With You" by Mr. Big I think of Mrs Brown, my elementary school music teacher.
And any song by Over the Rhine or Natalie Merchant makes me think of JuleBag.
Because whenever I smell sulfur water I think of my grandma and grandpa's farm.
And when I smell Pantene shampoo it reminds me of being in Costa Rica.
When I got home from work the other day
I was hit with a smell that I hadn't smelt in a year or so.
It was the smell of grief
and overwhelming heartbreak.
I can't describe the smell
but it was a combination of
a bit of our house
and warm weather
and old flowers (that need to be thrown out).
And it smelled exactly like our house did for the few days after I got home from the hospital.
And I felt a wave of sadness pour over me.
Like, she had just been in here
and I had just missed her.
Like she had slipped out the back door
on my way in the front.
And I didn't know what to think.
I didn't know if I should be happy
I'm struggling with finding some new shoes that are cute.
Either they are heels that I cannot wear all day at work when I never sit down
(and have recess duty which means tromping through rocks and up slides and over monkey bars).
Or the shoes are something that are sold around retirement communities.
Or they are ugly.
Or so cheap that my feet want to fall off after 1 hour of wearing them.
Good shoes for work that are semi-dressy that I can wear with dress pants or khakis?
And that I can run after a kid through the soccer field in?