It was a giant cluster-shmuck to my eyes.
I couldn't handle it any longer.
So, here it is again.
1. I'm typing this on an iPad. It is miserable. (Do I sound like the biggest brat ever or what?). I shouldn't complain but good heavens. My nails keep clicking, the thing keeps autocorrrecting, and I can't change my font colors. Life is hard, people.
2. While typing #1, Kitty-fat-pants decided to murder a moth. She went ballistic for awhile and now she is playing with its dead moth carcass.
It's not dead.
It's still stumbling around and she is just pushing it around with her paws. This is gross. And ridiculous. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for a moth. But I am. And now she is licking her chops. What an amazing tigress she is. She better not puke it up.
3. I have not kept this updated with the latest fertility appointments. I struggle with how much to share. Not because I don't want to, but because it starts getting a little weird.
Weird meaning that I know that a lot of people from my school (work) community read this. I love that, as they have been amazing supports through this crap-coaster. However, that also means that students or students' parents or past students read this. Which makes it a little bit more difficult to post details about things. The whole pregnancy journey becomes a lot more private and sensitive when kids are involved.
Let me explain.
When I was pregnant with Nugget I went back and forth about when I was going to start telling most people (don't worry, I emailed most of my infertile friends in advance and in private). I thought I would tell people early because, in my mind, there is never a "safe" time to announce. But, it got complicated when I had 20 some 9 year olds who would hear the news. If I did miscarry, I would have to explain.
And that would not be fun.
I've done that after a stillbirth. It was awkward and sad and confusing but necessary. So, I kept the news to myself. Because I knew that if it got out to several people at school, it would get around to my students and other students. And I didn't want to have to unexplain to them if the horrible did happen.
Well, the horrible did happen. And I was so thankful that I didn't have to explain why I was missing school.
So, that is why I am a bit quiet on here about procedures and status and what not. Not because I don't want to share, but because I don't want to answer 367 questions from kids or parents that have heard things through the grapevine. If I give too many details, people talk, and I teach in a very small town.
4. I wish I could tell you more so that you could understand a bit more of the emotional ups and downs of conception and infertility. It is a roller coaster of huge excitement (my levels looked good! or I get to do a shot tonight!) to some low lows of pure devastation. It is exhausting. And I wish I could give you a more accurate picture of what the last 2-3 weeks have been like. Or what the last 4 years have been like.
5. So, if there are no announcements, it isn't necessarily because I am pregnant or not. It's because I am trying to keep my life a bit simpler and easier. And I want to protect my students from knowing more than they need to. And, I may be trying to avoid being the center of the gossiping coffee circles in town.
6. And I wouldn't be a true Kansan if I didn't mention that I survived the tornadoes of April 14, 2012. I never know whether believe the crazy meteorologists when they say a huge storm is coming. But, we stayed home with D's parents and watched more weather reports than a human being should in one setting.
When it came down to it, there were a crapload of tornadoes that came through our area. All of the storms went around us so we only dealt with strong winds, thunder, lightning, and rain. No sirens even went off. Other places around Kansas had damage, but for the 100+ tornadoes that came through in one night, no one was killed. Miracle.
7. During all of this I was trying to figure out what I would take down to the basement with me if the sirens went off. I opened Maggie's drawer-- and I just stood there. There was too much and every single thing seemed just as important as the other. So, I think i am going to put her stuff in a box or chest so that it is easily moveable. Is there a place on etsy that makes nice boxes?
8. I'd be 20 weeks with Nugget.
9. Random post. This is what happens when you shoot yourself up with drugs all the time. No consistency and more stream of consciousness.
10. Do you think that everyone has a battle to fight in their lives? And eventually, all the pain kind of equals out? Cause sometimes it feels like that. I'm hoping we are just getting our hand of crappy cards out of the way early. And then, maybe out lives will be butterfly kisses and unicorn tears.
I'm not even going to edit this. If there are mistakes, it was the stupid iPad's fault.
Update: I totally revised this. There were way too many mistakes to not correct them and I am too anal not to fix them. I will, again, blame it on the iPad. I just hope my book deal isn't totally down the (fallopian) tubes now.
That's some infertility humor there for ya.