Photo a Day

Since the blog-stream in my head is a bit slow as of late
and my brain is fried
(we have 15.5 days of school left.
Wooty woot woot.
Bazinga.
Bam.
All of the above.)
I am trying something new.
A 31 day photo challenge.
I got the idea off of pinterest.
Here's what I'm supposed to do:

This lovely lady started this idea, which is great.  However, I am going to timidly admit that I thought her website was "Fat Muslim" at first.  And I was a little appalled and confused and intrigued.  Glad that I reread.

However, here are my rules:

1. I almost promise you that I will not post them daily.  I am not an internet whore.
2. I do not claim to be a professional photographer.  However, I think I am getting a little interest from National Geographic.
3. If I don't like what I am supposed to post, I will interpret it as needed.
4. Fergie the Fatty can be in as many as I'd like.

Prepare to have your mind blown.

(Just like my mind was blown when I read about Jessica Simpson's baby.

9 pounds and 13 ounces?

The poor dear.

Bless her pea-pickin' heart.)

Twenty-Three Things About...

The journey with my crazy ovaries.

It is National Infertility Awareness Week.

In honor of this week,

here are random facts about infertility

(my experiences and general information).

They are random, 

as are my reproductive organs.

So it is fitting.

1.  I am kind of annoyed that I ever spent a cent on birth control.  I wish I could somehow bottle up my natural birth control and sell it to people. Like some of these people.  I would be a kajillionaire.

2. I have been "officially" infertile for 4 years.  However, I wondered even before that if I had issues. 

3.  Infertility messes with your head. Paranoid is a good word to describe me.

4. About 6.1 million women are dealing with infertility.

5.  I am officially diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I am lucky enough to have the skinny and non-hairy version of this.  Which, I guess, is a good thing.

6.  Yes, I have tried Clomid. It is like a Tic-Tac for me.  It does nothing, but thanks.

7.  Yes, I have tried relaxing.  That does not help my ovaries. It does nothing, but thanks for the advice.

8.  Infertility messes with your heart.

9.  Do people not talk about infertility because it has to do with the parts down under? Because, if so, that's dumb.

10.  If I were a cow, I would be butchered immediately.  I am so glad I'm not a cow.  For many reasons.

11.  I hope I am a success story for my fertility clinic sometime soon.  I want my baby announcement hanging up in their office.

13.  Infertility is, for some reason, humiliating.  Even in the fertility clinic, a lot of women won't look at each other.  I get it, but it's sad to me.

14.  You will not become infertile by talking about it with me.

15.  I will not be uncomfortable if you talk about it with me.  Nor will my ovaries explode.  

16. My perfect potion that has seemed to work is: Femara, Gonal-F shots, Ovidrel, IUI, and Crinone.  Oh, and prayers for sanity.  And by perfect potion, I mean the potion for getting me pregnant, not keeping me pregnant.

17. Infertility is not trying for a few months and not getting pregnant.  

18.  I adore the nurses at my doctor's office.  They are crazy amazing for several reasons.  But, seriously, they have a job that I would not want.  They deal with hormonally-crazed women all day who are all on edge and they are on the other end of those stirrups all day. Not cool.  

19.  I often walk by people in the store and wonder if they are dealing with it. And I wish I could talk with them.

20. I believe that once you are an infertile, you always are. Even if you have kids.  So many women have said this. That you will always feel the sting of pregnancies and annoucements, even when/if you have your own kids.  I have been reading the blog "A Peek Into Our Journey"--she states these feelings well here.  It's nice to know that I wasn't going crazy when I had those thoughts when I was pregnant with Nugget.  (Oh, and read the other blog that the woman writes about her 3 beautiful miracle triplets.)

21.  I can't even count how many people have been on the other side of my stirrups.  It's not even an issue anymore.  Sure, you 18 med students can come in and learn.  Have fun!  That disturbs me a bit.

22. Whenever I'm at the doctor's, I always think about what I would do if there's a fire drill or something.

22.  I wish this on no one. 

23.  And I hope that if you are dealing with infertility that you have a good support system and have gathered the strength to share your story with other people.  

Mostly pictures and videos

1.  You carry me everyday

2.  This is my life

3.  It will pass

4.  Dream Job

Yes, please.

My second option is a shoe repairman.

They never taught me in college that I will be repairing busted flip flop and sneakers with super glue and duct tape.

But, I've done about 4 pair this year.

5.  Have I already posted this?

If I have, oh well.

You need to see it again.

I was thinking this morning on the way to work--

will I ever go a day (or even an hour at this point) without thinking of Maggie and Nugget?

6.  My new favorite

I don't know who Jason Mraz had in mind when he was writing this.  

But, I feel like it is written for me.

And I feel like there are parts that are perfect.

Perfect words to tell my future children-

That I won't give up on them.

And perfect words to tell myself-

that I won't give up on myself.

And the best part?

The part about 

"we didn't break, we didn't burn

We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.

I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not

And who I am."

I won't give up.

Let's see...revised. Not the 4th grader version.

I couldn't stand to look at that ridiculous post from yesterday.


It was a giant cluster-shmuck to my eyes.
I couldn't handle it any longer.


So, here it is again.


With paragraphs.

Let's see

1. I'm typing this on an iPad. It is miserable. (Do I sound like the biggest brat ever or what?). I shouldn't complain but good heavens. My nails keep clicking, the thing keeps autocorrrecting, and I can't change my font colors.  Life is hard, people. 

2. While typing #1, Kitty-fat-pants decided to murder a moth. She went ballistic for awhile and now she is playing with its dead moth carcass. 

Wait. 

Never mind. 

It's not dead. 

It's still stumbling around and she is just pushing it around with her paws. This is gross. And ridiculous. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for a moth. But I am. And now she is licking her chops. What an amazing tigress she is. She better not puke it up. 

3. I have not kept this updated with the latest fertility appointments. I struggle with how much to share. Not because I don't want to, but because it starts getting a little weird. 

Weird meaning that I know that a lot of people from my school (work) community read this. I love that, as they have been amazing supports through this crap-coaster. However, that also means that students or students' parents or past students read this. Which makes it a little bit more difficult to post details about things. The whole pregnancy journey becomes a lot more private and sensitive when kids are involved. 

Let me explain. 

When I was pregnant with Nugget I went back and forth about when I was going to start telling most people (don't worry, I emailed most of my infertile friends in advance and in private). I thought I would tell people early because, in my mind, there is never a "safe" time to announce. But, it got complicated when I had 20 some 9 year olds who would hear the news. If I did miscarry, I would have to explain. 

And that would not be fun. 

I've done that after a stillbirth. It was awkward and sad and confusing but necessary. So, I kept the news to myself. Because I knew that if it got out to several people at school, it would get around to my students and other students. And I didn't want to have to unexplain to them if the horrible did happen. 

Well, the horrible did happen. And I was so thankful that I didn't have to explain why I was missing school. 

So, that is why I am a bit quiet on here about procedures and status and what not. Not because I don't want to share, but because I don't want to answer 367 questions from kids or parents that have heard things through the grapevine. If I give too many details, people talk, and I teach in a very small town. 

4. I wish I could tell you more so that you could understand a bit more of the emotional ups and downs of conception and infertility. It is a roller coaster of huge excitement (my levels looked good! or I get to do a shot tonight!) to some low lows of pure devastation. It is exhausting. And I wish I could give you a more accurate picture of what the last 2-3 weeks have been like. Or what the last 4 years have been like. 

5. So, if there are no announcements, it isn't necessarily because I am pregnant or not. It's because I am trying to keep my life a bit simpler and easier. And I want to protect my students from knowing more than they need to. And, I may be trying to avoid being the center of the gossiping coffee circles in town. 

6. And I wouldn't be a true Kansan if I didn't mention that I survived the tornadoes of April 14, 2012. I never know whether believe the crazy meteorologists when they say a huge storm is coming. But, we stayed home with D's parents and watched more weather reports than a human being should in one setting. 

When it came down to it, there were a crapload of tornadoes that came through our area. All of the storms went around us so we only dealt with strong winds, thunder, lightning, and rain. No sirens even went off. Other places around Kansas had damage, but for the 100+ tornadoes that came through in one night, no one was killed. Miracle. 

7. During all of this I was trying to figure out what I would take down to the basement with me if the sirens went off. I opened Maggie's drawer-- and I just stood there. There was too much and every single thing seemed just as important as the other. So, I think i am going to put her stuff in a box or chest so that it is easily moveable. Is there a place on etsy that makes nice boxes? 

8. I'd be 20 weeks with Nugget. 

9. Random post. This is what happens when you shoot yourself up with drugs all the time. No consistency and more stream of consciousness. 

10. Do you think that everyone has a battle to fight in their lives? And eventually, all the pain kind of equals out? Cause sometimes it feels like that. I'm hoping we are just getting our hand of crappy cards out of the way early. And then, maybe out lives will be butterfly kisses and unicorn tears. 

I'm not even going to edit this. If there are mistakes, it was the stupid iPad's fault.

Update: I totally revised this. There were way too many mistakes to not correct them and I am too anal not to fix them.  I will, again, blame it on the iPad. I just hope my book deal isn't totally down the (fallopian) tubes now.

That's some infertility humor there for ya.

You're welcome.

Seriously

Does the iPad not believe in paragraphs or line breaks? I apologize about the post below. It is one giant paragraph. It looks like one of my students wrote it. Except I used more than one period. Sorry about that. I'm not going to try and fix it. Good luck reading the previous post that is just a giant paragraph. Just looking at it is like needles being stabbed into my corneas.

Let's see

1. I'm typing this on an iPad. It is miserable. (Do I sound like the biggest brat ever or what?). I shouldn't complain but good heavens. My nails keep clicking, the thing keeps autocorrrecting, and I can't change my font colors. Life is hard, people. 2. While typing #1, Kitty-fat-pants decided to murder a moth. She went ballistic for awhile and now she is playing with its dead moth carcass. Wait. Never mind. It's not dead. It's still stumbling around and she is jut pushing it around with her paws. This is gross. And ridiculous. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for a moth. But I am. Ad now she is licking her chops. What an amazing tigress she is. She better not puke it up. 3. I have not kept this updated with the latest fertility appointments. I struggle with how much to share. Not because I don't want to, but because it starts getting a little weird. Weird meaning that I know that a lot of people from my school (work) community read this. I love that, as they have been amazing supports through this crap-coaster. However, that also means that students or students' parents or past students read this. Which makes it a little bit more difficult to post details about things. The whole pregnancy journey becomes a lot more private and sensitive when kids are involved. Let me explain. When I was pregnant with Nugget I went back and forth about when I was going to start telling most people (don't worry, I emailed most of my infertile friends in advance and in private). I thought I would tell people early because, in my mind, there is never a "safe" time to announce. But, it got complicated when I had 20 some 9 year olds who would hear the news. If I did miscarry, I would have to explain. And that would not be fun. I've done that after a stillbirth. It was awkward and sad and confusing and necessary. So, I kept the news to myself. Because i knew tht if it got out to several people at school, it would get around to my students and other students. And I didn't To have to unexplain to them if the horrible did happen. Well, the horrible did happen. And I was so thankful that I didn't have to explain why I was missing school. So, that is why I am a bit quiet on here about procedures and status and what not. Not because I don't want to share, but because I don't want to answer 367 questions from kids or parents that have heard things through the grapevine. If I give too many details, people talk, and I teach in a very small town. 4. I wish I could tell you more so that you could understand a bit more of the emotional ups and downs of conception and infertility. It is a roller coaster of huge excitement (my levels looked good! or I get to do a shot tonight!) to some low lows of pure devastation. It is exhausting. And I wish I could give you a more accurate picture of what the last 2-3 weeks have been like. Or what the last 4 years have been like. 5. So, if there are no announcements, it isn't necessarily because I am pregnant or not. It's because I am trying to keep my life a bit simpler and easier. And I want to protect my student from knowing more than they need to. And, I may be trying to avoid being the center of the gossiping coffee circles in town. 6. And I wouldn't be a true Kansan if I didn't mention that I survived the tornadoes of April 14, 2012. I never know whether believe the crazy meteorologists when they say a huge storm is coming. But, we satyed home with D's parents and watched more weather reports than a human being should in one setting. When it came down to it, there were a crapload of tornadoes that came through our area. All of the storms went around us so we only dealt with strong winds, thunder, lightning, and rain. No sirens even went off. Other places around Kansas had damage, but for the 100+ tornadoes that came through in one night, no one was killed. Miracle. 7. During all of this I was trying to figure out what I would take down to the basement with me if the sirens went off. I opened Maggie's drawer-- and I just stood there. There was too much and every single thing seemed just as important as the other. So, I think i am going to put her stuff in a box or chest so that it is easily moveable. Is there a place on etsy that makes nice boxes? 8. I'd be 20 weeks with Nugget. 9. Random post. This is what happens when you shoot yourself up with drugs all the time. No consistency and more stream of consciousness. 10. Do you think that everyone has a battle to fight in their lives? And eventually, all the pain kind of equals out? Cause sometimes it feels like that. I'm hoping we are just getting our hand of crappy cards out of the way early. And then, maybe out lives will be butterfly kisses and unicorn tears. I'm not even going to edit this. If there are mistakes, it was the stupid iPad's fault.

She never ceases to amaze me.

My sister.
See the fourth line?

She got a lily to remember Maggie this Easter at her church.
Just when I think she can't get much better,
she does something like this.
She's fantastic.
(Read about her here in case you've forgotten.)

Thank you.

WIN.

So, at 7:00 tonight I was scheduled to get a shot.

Dave always gives them to me.

Because I am like livestock and dogs

and he is good at giving shots to those types of creatures.

And it's insanely romantico.

So, I rushed home.  

Got home at 6:40.

He wasn't home.

Dave is on call.

He had 723 more calls to do before he gets home.

He told me those dreaded words.

That I'd have to give the shot

TO MYSELF.

(For those of you that do this all the time, fellow infertility-ants or diabetics, I apologize. I know most of you do this all the time.  Just ignore my ramblings.)

Seriously guys?

I am a teacher.

I know how to teach Guided Reading

and give DIBELS

and how to use manipulatives to teach division.

NOT give shots.

To myself.

Not cool.

But, I pulled myself up by my boot straps.

I grew some huevos

and gave myself the shot.

Taken from my pharmacy's videos of how to give yourself a shot. If you want to watch the whole thing, let me know. Or, for a price, I can do live shows, too.

BAZINGA!

And it didn't even hurt at all.

I just didn't look 

and jammed that guy into my belly

and prayed to the good Lord that that liquid gold would flow quickly to my follicles that are on an IEP.

(Teacher humor.)

And, to be honest,

I am proud of myself.

I did something that I never thought I could do.

It's amazing what this journey will do to you.

The only problem during the whole thing?

The needle bent.

When it rammed into my abs of steel.

FAIL.

So, on Saturday, I posted this:
(mind you, I was super pumped).

I mentioned in my last post that we were able to claim Maggie as a dependent for 2011.
Obviously, that is great news.
I mean, I would have preferred not having to do this at all,
but I'll take what I can.


But, like I said earlier,
we needed proof that this happened-
like a birth certificate
(which we don't have since she was never living outside of the womb)
or a death certificate
(which we don't have because she didn't die outside of the womb)
or medical records.


I busted a move over to the hospital after work on Friday
so that I could get there before 5.
I was fine until I walked in the doors.
I hadn't been in there since last year
when I delivered Maggie.
And, to be honest,
I wasn't a fan of the hospital
then or now.


I got to the Records office 10 minutes before closing time.
And thankfully, the woman there was really nice.
I mean, most people are super nice to be when I have to explain my situation.
I explained the deal
she printed out some stuff
and didn't even charge me.
Did she know that the hospital had charged me enough already?
(But that probably would have been the cheapest bill from them.)


So, long story short, we got Maggie as a deduction,
which is fantastic.


However, the real point of this post is this:
this is the first time that her name is official.
Government-wise.
It's weird.
To see her name on paper.

Then, after that, I looked at the papers that the hospital gave me.
That was weird.
But more incredibly sad.
I'd never read the official medical records of Maggie's birth
(and yes it's a birth.  It doesn't have to be living to be a birth).


I got my epidural at 8:14 pm.
I delivered her at 10:38 pm.
And delivered the placenta at 11:05.


And then?
The saddest thing?
At 1 minute
and 5 minutes
and 10 minutes,
Maggie's heart rate was
absent.
Her respiratory effort was
absent.
Her muscle tone was
flaccid.
Her reflexes had
no response.
Her color was
blue.


And my heart broke again.
Because the whole time I just imagined her there.
Laying there.
Still
and peaceful.
And I couldn't do anything to protect her.
Or help her.
I was helpless.
And I'm not supposed to be helpless.


And her heart was (and is) supposed to be beating.

Long story short, when it's too good to be true, it is.
I was contacted by a facebook friend who asked more details about this whole tax thing.
But, while looking into details about it for her, I realized that we, in fact, did not fit the criteria for getting this refund.
FAIL.

The IRS website states that in order to be able to get this refund, your document needs to show that your baby was born alive.
FAIL.

Maggie was not born alive.
In fact, she had been not alive for quiet some time.
(FAIL. MEGAFAIL.)

So, I panicked.
If you don't know me
or haven't read my blog for awhile
you should know that I have some issues.
Like worry
and anxiety issues.
(Pro ejemplo, when I was little I would puke every Sunday night because I was worried about school.  Once I got there I loved it and was fine, but I would get so worked up that my dad would have to lay with me for hours.  Eventually I just laid on the floor by their bed. You're welcome for adding to the romance in your marriage, mom and dad.)
So, anyways, I freaked out and was pretty sure that we were going to be audited
and fined and
have to pay a gazillion dollars to the I.R.S.
for something
(and give up our first born (that was breathing, of course) to Rumpelstiltskin)
since my kid was never born alive.
And!
That's!
Ridiculous!
If she would have taken one breath.
Or if her little heart would have beat 1 time.
That would change it all.

But, that's not the case.
We are out that money, but I'm okay with that.
The money doesn't really upset me.
I'm more pissed that Maggie didn't breathe
(once or continually since then).

So, lessons learned?
1.) Your kid needs have been born alive to get the tax refund. One breath will make you worthy enough to get a tax refund for a dependent.  Otherwise, you have not really had a kid or anything.
2.) If you are on top of things and have already mailed in your taxes, you can get something called a "refund amendment." This will stop the bad guys from coming after you.