Synopsis of the last week...

I've been blogging over the past week.
But, I haven't posted them.
The details aren't important.
My diarrhea of the mouth and
stream of consciousness is not necessary to post.

But, the synopsis?
The doctor's appointments have started again.
Unfortunately, they have not gone the way I hoped they would.
I planned them in my head way differently.
I will continue to see Dr. Grainger for, at least, another few months.
And, that folks?
Is heartbreaking.
And devastating.

I'm heartbroken.
I love the guy (and the nurses there) but, seriously,
I'd be way okay to never step foot in that office again.
I so, so hoped for different news.

This has been one of those weeks when my list of questions for God
keeps getting longer
and longer
and longer
and longer.
Because, for some reason,
my plans and God's don't quite jive.
The things that I'm hoping for
and praying for
and wanting
are not happening.
And I wish I knew why.

Why I am on this journey.
Why my body can't do what every.single.other.woman can do.
Why it seems so easy for everyone else
but not for me.
Why my body let my daughter die.
Why I killed her.
Why I miss her so much.  Still.
Why I can't make it an hour without thinking about her.

Why something- one thing- can't just go the way I hoped.

But, I will keep waiting.
Because, I have hope that
it will be worth it.

Source

And, in the meantime...

Source

I will keep crying.
And, can you keep praying?