Sunday, September 16, 2012

Hitting Some Milestones

This week I passed another major milestone.
A major one that has been on my check-off list for awhile.
24 weeks.
and done.
We have passed that major hurdle.

I have been dreading this week for awhile as I knew that along with this milestone came another major doctor's appointment.  And I was terrified that our appointment would turn out like the last one.

I thought a lot this week.
I prayed a lot.
I cried more than I have in a long time.

This was my struggle and maybe some of you who have been on this journey can help me out.
I am incredibly thankful and excited and ecstatic and everything-else-good about Herbie and Puckett.  I am so excited to meet them face-to-face and hear their screams and feel their movements in person.
But how do you feel all of these things without feeling guilt about losing your last child?
Let me explain...
I know that without Maggie dying (and without losing Nugget), that I would not have Herbie and Puckett.  I feel badly for being so excited when I know that the only reason they are here is that Maggie and Nugget didn't survive.
How do I celebrate the lives and arrivals of Herbie and Puckett when I know that my celebration is because of previous loss and sorrow?
Any advice?

while I was cleaning out my car, I found
a CD that my cousins sent me after Maggie died.
It was Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise  album-
the one that he wrote after his daughter died.

I listened to the CD quite a bit last March and April
but I put it in again this past week.
And listened to the lyrics to and from work.
And, I heard new things.
Or, at least, I heard things and they meant something totally different to me now than they did then.
I remember listening
and hearing the parts about joy coming in the morning.
And in my heart, I knew that it would happen.
But I didn't really believe it.
Or, I had no idea how I would feel joy and life again.
But, now I get it.
Joy is coming
and is on its way.
And out of all the ashes,
there is beauty rising.

And I am in awe of the fact that out of ashes that seemed so completely devastating
and heartbreaking
that something so beautiful can arise.

1 comment:

  1. Hmmm...I'm not sure how to answer that one. I often wonder this myself. How do I fully and completely celebrate Raspberry when M & A are gone? It's a constant battle, but you know what? They are all your babies and H & P are their siblings. Maggie and Nugget would be so happy you are at this wonderful milestone (which I share with you by the way).

    Just know that even you though you feel guilt, your two lost loves do not have any sadness about your current pregnany. They love you and they love their siblings.

    Congrats on getting to this amazing place.


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