October 15

1.  Monday is October 15- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.  Please light a candle at 7 pm to remember those who have lost children through miscarriage, stillbirth, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes.  Last year I lit candles in honor of Maggie and in honor of other families as well.

This year, I will do the same.
I will light a candle to remember Maggie and Nugget.
And I will light others to remember
Violet
and Owen
and Isaac
and Faith
and Harrison
and for the unnamed.
And what could have been
and what should have been.

And I will add another candle this year.
On Friday I learned of another family that will experience loss soon.
At 5 1/2 months pregnant, they know they will lose this baby, but it is a matter of when.
Thoughts that no one should have to sit with.
And decisions that no one should ever have to make.
Ever.


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2. I passed my 3 hour glucose test!  They called the afternoon after I had finished and said that everything was fine. 4 hours in the blood lab of the clinic was not that great. I read a lot of People magazine and talked to a lot of people.  Unfortunately, no old lady fights this time.

3. The nursery is getting closer to being done. Clothes are washed and folded and put away.   Some things are hung.  We still don't have cribs and for some reason I cannot get myself to order them. I know which ones I want (they can convert into toddler beds and full-sized beds later on, which hopefully will save us some money).  But, it just seems like that big thing and once I get it, something will go wrong. The same with the milker (as D calls it).  Those things are expensive and I guess I just want to make sure that this is actually happening before dropping that kind of cash.

4. Herbie and Puckett are still moving around and continue to dig around and set up camp.  They are active little things, especially over the last few days. It's fantastic.  And, if it means that Puckett is growing extra chubby while she's squatting in my ribcage, I will take that.

5. I have another appointment on Wednesday afternoon for my regular check-up and to get my Rho-Gam shot. Not looking forward to the shot, but I'll do what I have to do.

6.  My parents saved my rear again.  I got a flat tire on Friday, they came and put the donut on and took it to get repaired. I ended up with 4 new tires and new windshield wipers.  But, I'd rather be safe driving than not and I'd rather this happen now instead of later.   Mom also found a steal of a deal for some baby clothes--most stuff was 99 cents or so, so we were able to stock up on some sleepers and things.

7.  And a beautifully written article from Still Standing Magazine.  Go read it.

13 + 1 Things

1.  Puckett is currently kicking the crud out of the right side of my abdomen.  It's fantastic, but I'm curious if her unending movement and endless twitching is a sign of what's to come.  She may have inherited some of her father's ADHD. If so, she should crash and burn within a matter of minutes (does anyone have a husband who can be leaping off the walls and sprinting throughout the house (and singing the Beach Boys) and 5 minutes later be asleep and snoring on the couch?  It baffles me.).

2.  My week was kind of a bummer.  I will try not to be Debbie Downer (that ones for you jjrrmgt ladies) but I did help myself to a healthy does of pregnancy hormones and wailing on the couch.

3.  I went in to do my glucose/diabetes testing.  I got fruit punch flavor and it wasn't too bad.  Melted lollipop or snowcone maybe?  Two things regarding this:

• There was a smack-down in the blood lab.  To keep a long story short, 2 60 year old women were going to have a cat fight due to some money one of them owed on a dog or whatever.  And, instead of stopping the fight, all of the people at the lab just watched and listened.  
• I failed my glucose test.  I was 5 points over. I wasn't actually really shocked and I know it's not the end of the world- that if I do have gestational diabetes, that there are meds, diets, etc that will help with that.  I lost it when the lady told me that I would need to fast and come to the clinic at 7:30 am and it would be pushing it if I would make it to work by 12:15 (which would be my time to report back to work if I took a half day).  So, now I will use another sick day (which could be saved for munchkins) to sit in a nasty blood lab, drink a nasty drink, to find out what the deal is.  Hoping I can keep myself busy- but the phlebotomist told me I couldn't leave, smoke, or sleep.  So, now I don't know what I"m going to do.

4.  If you are a teacher, you will understand my angst and pain with this one.  We talked about and read over our new Common Core Standards this past week.  I got to the part about teaching mythological characters so that kids can determine the meaning of new words ("such as Herculean..." it read).  I couldn't decide if I should cry, crap my pants, or go stuff my face. I did none of the above.  I waited to get home to do 2 of the 3.  

5.  My mom washed about 15 loads of blankets, hats, bibs, clothes, etc that were baby clothes from my sister.  She is a gem of a ma.  Remember when I said Herbie would be buck-naked? Not so much the case- especially once he is a little older.  I think I should be fine with clothes once they get older, but the small newborn/premie clothes are still slim pickins'--my sister's kids were beasts (cute but fatty) and I have a feeling mine will not be quite as big (at least I am hoping).

6. I got a great dose of friend time yesterday.  Several of us met up to go to a Barn/Craft sale (if you live near south-central Kansas, you should hit it up--look for it on The Rusted Chain website to find out when it is next year.  I didn't buy much, but there was a ton of vendors and lots of fun stuff (and people) to look at.

7. After the barn sale we went to some consignment shops, ate lunch and what not, and then headed to the big town of the 'Ta so they could help me register. I was totally fine with Dave not joining me for several reasons.  #1- when I told him that we should probably register he said, "Register to vote? You're already registered."  Huh.  Sign #1.  #2- if I recall any of the registration for our wedding, he wanted to scan other things, such as bags of candy, DVDs, and boxes of cookies.

So, I went with friends.  And it was quite enjoyable.  I didn't scan a thing.  Instead, a dear friend took ahold of it and went to town, which was perfect.  The other two said which items I needed and which I could without.  To say the least, I was a bit overwhelmed.  It seems like it would have been easier 20 years ago, when there weren't 3,757 kinds of baby monitors- with or without video or wifi/smart phone capability.  Just stuff 'em in a dresser drawer and you can hear their muffled cries that way. Easy smeasy.  But, I think we've got it done.   We obviously didn't register for the big things or the totally unnecessary things (like the cutest clothes known to man kind), but I feel like we're at a good place now as far as baby tools are concerned.

8.  After all of the walking from yesterday plus the charlie horse cramps I had in my calves last night, I wouldn't mind either being a quadriplegic today or having a motor scooter.  My first choice is obviously the motor scooter.  Please don't get all offended.

9. I spent most of last night organizing clothes and separating them by sizes and genders.  Clothes for the next few months are hung and folded and, I guess, ready.  And I loved every second of it.  This is something I've been praying to do for so many years now.  

10.  Newborn baby socks may be the best invention of all times.  They are like little backpacks for baby carrots they are so small.  Or maybe sleeping bags for Lego guys.

11.  D has been a gem to help me out a ton the last couple of weeks. He's been unloading all of the baby stuff into their room, getting dinner ready, massaging my swollen feet (gross, I know), unpacking things, making schedules for me so that I can take my meds at certain times, vacuuming, doing the dishes and yardwork, offering to help me grade papers, and still making me laugh.  

12. I met with Dr. Eck after my glucose stuff (and they ran my blood work so that I could get my RhoGam shot at my next appointment. Vomit.).  She said that my belly is measuring that of a 34 week pregnant singleton woman.  And I need to cut back on my sodium and put my feet up more so that they are less Flinstone-ish.

13.  About 8 weeks away from hitting the 36 week mark (which is the average for when twins deliver). How in the world did that happen? That is so fantastic.  I can't wait to hold those little things. And, the weird thing? I can't wait to hear them.  Their little squeaks and loud cries.

14.  Isn't 13 a bad number to end on?

I keep forgetting

And, one more thing...

A long time ago.  Like a long time ago I was in elementary school.
And I met this girl.
And we were in the same handbell choir.
And we both curled our hair
and wore sweet outfits in the 80's.

We lost contact but reconnected with the help of the face-twitt-my-tube.
She is now kind of a big-deal blogger
and mom to three boys.

And awhile back she did a review of the movie "The Odd Life of Timothy Green."
I haven't seen it yet.
Not planning on it until I can rent it.
But, even as a mama as three, she got it.
I mean, she Got. It.
She knew that it is the story that a lot of couples have.
It is story that no one wants, but many of us have.

Go here to read her review of the movie 
and then browse her blog for some ideas of what you should be doing instead of sitting on the couch.

Almost 27 Weeks

Herbie was looking a bit down in the dumps.  He was sad because Puckett had her feet smashed against his face for most of the appointment.

Puckett did not cooperate for a 3D picture, but we were happy with a profile view.

I had another ultrasound (we have started the every two week appointments) today and I go back on Wednesday for my Glucose thing, my needle-is-the-size-of-a-hose-Rho-Gam shot, and my appointment with Dr. Eck.

How Far Along: 27 weeks on Wednesday

Size of Babies: Herbie (boy) was measuring 2 pounds, 2 ounces and Puckett (girl) was measuring 2 pounds exactly.  Both had feet that were about 5 centimeters.  They are right on track with all the normal singleton statistics.

Baby Foot and tootsies.  Squee!!!! This are adorable.

Weight Gain:  I am up about 32-35 pounds, which goes right along with Dr. Luke's goal of 1 pound to 1 1/2 pounds a week.  I can eat consistently but not in large amounts like I used to be able to.  But, I am still packing on the pounds.

Belly:  Continuing to grow as it should be; starting to get in the way when tying shoes, scooting into the table; bending over, etc.  It gets tired of hanging there after a day of work, but other than that, I love it.  And I love seeing it move and twist.  I will find out on Wednesday how I am measuring compared to a singleton--I am guessing 33-34 weeks if I am continuing on track like I have been.

Sleep: I actually can't complain at all about this.  I have been sleeping pretty well minus the bathroom breaks and such.  I am getting way more than I will, so I am enjoying my slumber.

Movement:  They are both moving a lot lately and depending on their positions, their kicks and movements are almost uncomfortable (almost, but not....).  They are still able to flip positions and such, so now both are bottom down (little stinkers) and finding ways to annoy each other.

Puckett, in fact, moved to a quite gymnast-like position- where she was folded in half and her legs and feet were up on top of her head.

Other things:

• We are slowly getting the nursery ready.  Although I still feel like it is early, I know that the average 36 week delivery mark for twins is only 9 weeks away. And when I think of it like that, I freak out just a little bit.

Awesome cell phone pic.  Our start to the nursery.  The box in the corner is all of Maggie and Nugget's things.  The cribs will go along the wall on the right.

• We haven't bought a ton of stuff, but instead, I am collecting up Maggie's old clothes and going through bags that my sister had from her kids.
• If I didn't buy anything, Herbie would be buck-naked for the first few months of his life.
• I did wash some of the clothes and sorted them.  The toughest part is I am not sure how much they will weigh so I am not quite sure which size clothes I will need.  And, Maggie's due date was in July.  So, a lot of clothes are from opposite seasons so I may have a garage sale.  Or we may just try for another kid.  And then end up like the Duggar's.
• And speaking of the Duggar's, their daughter Josie was born at about 2 pounds. I looked her up to see what my little ones look like. 

Source here.  Josie weighed 1 pound, 6 ounces when she was born.  And my little things are bigger than that!

24.5 Weeks

This past Thursday I had another appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor in Wichita.  I was a bit anxious for this appointment, as my 24 week appointment with Maggie ended way differently than I ever imagined it would.

We got the joy of having another hour and a half sonogram due to the fact that both Herbie and Puckett were not cooperating with the sonographer.  More details below.

How Far Along: 24.5 weeks

Size of Babies: Baby Boy (A) weighs 1 lb 8 oz and Baby Girl (B) weighs 1 lb 4 oz.  They are about a foot long, from crown to heel.  They both are continuing to gain weight and grow as they should and are right on track with singleton pregnancies.

Weight Gain: Since my last appointment with the MFM I had gained 7 pounds (in 5 weeks). They were happy with that growth but continued to encourage me to continue to eat good fats, calories, and proteins, and eat enough of protein.  Proof of the weight gain is my quadruple chin that is forming quickly.

Belly: Continuing to grow, which is great.  That is reassurance that they are gaining weight and growing the way they should.  It is getting tougher to find shirts in my closet that fit (medium maternity shirts are getting snug) but I refuse to buy more clothes until I absolutely need to and the weather has cooled off. 

Sleep:  Same as the last post.  Decent sleep with some bathroom breaks or switching from side to side.

Movement: I feel them all the time now- mostly when I am sitting or laying down.  And, since I had the sonogram, I now know which movements are coming from which baby.  They are active and I am now seeing their movements outside of my belly, too (the remote will move around if I lay it on my belly).

Food Cravings: No cravings anymore.  Just continuing to eat as much as I can and eat enough healthy foods, too.

Appointments:  As I said, I had an appointment with the MFM on Thursday.  We were mostly concerned with the growth of Puckett (girl) and the size difference between the two babies wouldn't increase and wouldn't be greater than 20%.  

Since our last appointment, Puckett gained 11 ounces and Herbie (boy) gained 13 ounces.  So, the doctor did not seem concerned and actually seemed pleased with both of the growth that they were making.  Since Puckett is a girl she may just be small to begin with and the smaller size is because of her make-up--not because there is a problem.  She is still measuring in the 33rd percentile for a singleton pregnancy.  

Because of all the good news, we have graduated from the MFM doctor and will not go back unless other issues arise.  We will continue to watch Puckett's growth and make sure she is making the progress she needs.

My next appointment is with Dr. Eck next week.  We will start scheduling appointments every two weeks from then on.

Emotions: This past week was difficult for me- for several reasons.  Last Friday, the 7th was Nugget's expected due date.  And although I never said anything, it felt weird (there is no word to describe my feelings) to know that I probably would be delivering a son if things hadn't gone the way they did. 

I was also struggling because I was the same time gestationally that I was when I lost Maggie.  Plus, I had the appointment so between the two I had flashbacks and worried that the same thing would happen again.  

More about my thoughts on all of this in the post below.

Other things:

• I am having some pinched nerve issues and pain issues in my leg and lower back.  There's nothing much I can do except stretch and not stay in one position for a long amount of time.  And I can only expect these pains to increase as time goes on.
• My feet have started to swell after certain situations (sitting for too long, not putting my feet up), etc.  Enough that most shoes won't fit me but fortunately this is not happening all the time.
•  I had one of the best weekends in a long, long time.  My girlfriends from college visited me from Indiana (minus two of them).  Remember them from last year?  More on that later this week after I recover.

All in all- a wonderful week- a week that made my heart soar and be full of thankfulness, so matter how many tears were shed.  So thankful and feeling blessed and full of joy.

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One more thing, prayers for a few family members who have experienced  some heartbreak over the past week or two.  And although their life events are completely different, they are still heartbreaking.  
They are both loss of hopes.
And dreams.
Just know, you two, that you are in my prayers.
That I think of you often.
And I know my words bring no comfort.
Or answers.
But I will continue to pray.
And hold you both in my hearts.

Hitting Some Milestones

This week I passed another major milestone.
A major one that has been on my check-off list for awhile.
24 weeks.
Check
and done.
We have passed that major hurdle.

I have been dreading this week for awhile as I knew that along with this milestone came another major doctor's appointment.  And I was terrified that our appointment would turn out like the last one.

I thought a lot this week.
I prayed a lot.
I cried more than I have in a long time.

This was my struggle and maybe some of you who have been on this journey can help me out.
I am incredibly thankful and excited and ecstatic and everything-else-good about Herbie and Puckett.  I am so excited to meet them face-to-face and hear their screams and feel their movements in person.
But how do you feel all of these things without feeling guilt about losing your last child?
Let me explain...
I know that without Maggie dying (and without losing Nugget), that I would not have Herbie and Puckett.  I feel badly for being so excited when I know that the only reason they are here is that Maggie and Nugget didn't survive.
How do I celebrate the lives and arrivals of Herbie and Puckett when I know that my celebration is because of previous loss and sorrow?
Any advice?

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Also,
while I was cleaning out my car, I found
a CD that my cousins sent me after Maggie died.
It was Steven Curtis Chapman's Beauty Will Rise  album-
the one that he wrote after his daughter died.

I listened to the CD quite a bit last March and April
but I put it in again this past week.
And listened to the lyrics to and from work.
And, I heard new things.
Or, at least, I heard things and they meant something totally different to me now than they did then.
I remember listening
and hearing the parts about joy coming in the morning.
And in my heart, I knew that it would happen.
Somehow.
But I didn't really believe it.
Or, I had no idea how I would feel joy and life again.
But, now I get it.
Joy is coming
and is on its way.
And out of all the ashes,
there is beauty rising.

And I am in awe of the fact that out of ashes that seemed so completely devastating
and heartbreaking
that something so beautiful can arise.

22 Weeks

How Far Along: 22 weeks

Size of Babies: Almost the size of a ruler and about a pound each.  

Weight Gain: You don't need specifics, right?  Up a lot because of the new diet.  Which I am fine with...I do not want to be one of those ladies who complains about being chubby and fat. I realize how chubby and fat and big I will get. I do not care.  I will make fun of myself because of it if I know that it is helping Herbs and Pucks.  

Belly: I am enjoying my belly. It gets in the way (but not too much).  It is fully of baby wonderfulness.

Super cellphone pic- taken at 22.4 weeks.

Sleep: I am exhausted by the end of the day so going to bed and falling asleep is not an issue.  I sleep with a body pillow which helps me get comfy.  I've been waking up about 3-4 times a night because of 

• Kicks (best feeling in the world). I wouldn't trade those kicks for anything.
• Leg cramps.  
• Full bladder.
• Sneezing husband.  Allergies are bad here lately.

Movement: I feel them everyday now, which is fantastic and my heart flips every single time I feel them.  I can usually decipher which one is which unless it's in the middle of my belly, where the two meet.  They like to move around mostly when I am sitting (driving in the car, reading to my students, sitting on the couch, or laying in bed) or after I have eaten (they like peaches).

Food Cravings: No cravings.  Just trying to get enough calories that are healthy and enough protein that I need for those little nuggets to grow.

Clothes: All maternity clothes except for t-shirts, which are now tight (and show off my sweet outie belly button, which is not cute).

Appointments:  I had one last Monday with Dr. Eck (this was the 3rd time I had to reschedule because of deliveries she had).  Everything went well except that I found out Missy, one of the nurses, is leaving and she has a replacement.  

I have an appointment in the middle of September in Wichita with the MFM again and the following week I have another appointment with Dr. Eck.  After that we will start to make my appointments every 2 weeks.

Emotions: Meh.  Trying to stay positive, but we are reaching the 24 week mark. The time when I delivered Maggie and I am getting nervous that something is going to go wrong between now and then, like it did last time.  I am just crossing my fingers that we make it to this milestone, as the next one is 28 weeks at viability!  

Other things:

• People in the waiting room are fascinating to watch. At my last appointment I saw many awkward things, which included:
• A couple expressing their intense love for each other by cuddling, draping their legs on each other and nuzzling each others' necks the whole time.  Seriously.  
• That same couple, commenting to each other when they watched another couple come out of the office.  The lady said to her husband, "That couple is old."  I wanted to smack them and hug the other couple out of excitement.  Who cares if they are older than what the norms baby-birthing age is? It made me ecstatic.
• Another pregnant woman came in wearing high heels and a mini-skirt.  Wowza.  Impressive that her feet still fit in them and that she was able to successfully walk in them from chair to receptionist's desk.  Way to go.
• Another couple walked out from seeing the doctor.  They saw some people they must have known.  The other people said, "Oh! Are you expecting?"  And the couple said, "No, we are trying."  My heart sunk.  But I was also impressed- that they stated the truth and did not shy away from it just to make it less comfortable.  

• People have been asking me about working after they make their appearance.  Ask all you want, but I don't have an answer for you.  My answer will be "I don't know."  That's my answer because I really don't know. There are so many factors (like their health most importantly) that go into making that decision and it is a decision that is for Dave and me to make.  It is a personal decision and I know that whatever decision we make, someone will disagree with it.  And, I know that I will feel guilt for whatever decision we do end up making.  I do not need other people to add to the guilt.  Like most women and mothers, I am good at making myself feel overly guilty.  More coming on this topic later.

• But, I will be going back to work to at least finish the school year.  I do not know how long I will be gone or when I will be gone or when I am delivering or when I am returning to school.  Again, this is something that depends on a lot of things- like bedrest, when I deliver, how the delivery goes, if we need NICU services, etc. 

• I will stop my rant.  
• One more thing. My parents are amazing.  
• Almost every night this week my mom or dad has made a meal for me to pick up and take home so that I don't have to cook.  The menus have included ham, meatloaf, chicken with marinara sauce, baked sweet potatoes, fried rice, peach bread pudding with a butter-rum sauce, pearsauce (like apple sauce), and pear crisp (like apple crisp).
• In addition, my mom has been starting to make baby food so that we can save some cash (and feed them yummy and healthy things).  She has completed pureed pears and is moving on to peaches and apples.
• I realize that this is rare and I am so appreciative of their generosity and thoughtfulness.  I only hope that I can be parents to Herbs and Pucks like they are to  my sister and me.