Q & A

First of all, thank you for the wonderful emails and texts and messages
of encouragement
and congratulations
and well-wishes.

Once again, I am reminded of how important it is to have a
group of good family and friends around us to support us.
You all have supported us through crappy and crappier times.
And we are glad to have your support through these happy and, hopefully, happier times.

I have gotten a few questions/comments/concerns that I wanted to clear up.  So, here is a Q & A.
And, just to make it more interesting, I have added some stuff that I've pinned lately.

Will the nicknames Herbie and Puckett stick?
At this point, we are not planning on naming our children Herbie and Puckett (although I'm sure many Minnesotans have named their kids after Twins players).  We have not discussed names that much but Herbie and Puckett are not on my Top 10 list.  Especially because Puckett rhymes too well with other words.
Especially when you're mad.

Have you been craving anything?

• Sleep
• Mangoes (Fresh, frozen, juice, popsicles)
• DQ Soft Serve Twist Ice Cream Cones

If you have one black and one white baby (like Herbie and Puckett), you will have some explaining to do.
If that happens, that is the clinic's fault.  I believe that we will have our retirement and Herbie and Puckett's college fund taken care of then.

What is your due date?
Officially, it is January 2.  However, the Dr. has said that if I made it to the beginning of December, that would be great.  As long as they are healthy and living when they are delivered, I will be happy.

Draw eyebrows on a dog.  If you have a dog, please do this.  D tried to do it on Fergs.  She is too hairy.

When do you want a baby shower?
Um, after they're born.
Seriously.
I don't want to do that.
I have experienced, and too many people I know, have experienced loss.
I feel like, for me, having a baby shower beforehand is
1) Making assumptions and being presumptuous about things that I have no control over.
2) Setting me up for more pain if something were to happen.

I am fine not having a baby shower, ever.
But, if I were to have one, I would want one after they are born.
We have two boxes, a hose, and some paper towels, so we are already ready for their homecoming.
(I kid!)
**This does not mean that I judge you for having a baby shower before your baby is born.
I know this is the traditional way of doing things.
This is a preference for me personally.


Have you been feeling okay?
For the most part, yes. I have nothing to complain about.
Because all of the crappy feelings that come along with pregnancy and good signs for me.
In fact, I get nervous when I am not
nauseous
or headachy
or sore
or exhausted
or hormonal.  I'm never moody.
I take all of these things as good things
and signs that things are going the way they should.

I have figured out how to keep the nausea from flaring up,
such as making sure to eat lots of meals/snacks throughout the day,
to not skip meals,
and not to get too full of food or liquid.

I have only puked twice.
One time was because I drank too much water
and then gagged while I was brushing my teeth
and there was no stopping it.

The other time was at Chili's.
Yes, at a restaurant.
Long story short,
I hadn't eaten breakfast,
we went to church,
I was stuffing my face with chips and salsa and salad.
And all of a sudden it just came.
At the table.
I tried to catch it.
But, surprisingly, it is difficult to catch and contain vomit in your hand.
So, it just went all over
the table,
my salad,
my lap.
But, I was so sneaky that no one! saw! me!
I just couldn't make eye contact with the waiter when he cleared our dirty dishes.

Will you find out the genders?
Yes.  I've already asked. Dr said he wasn't quite sure- there was a 50% chance he could be wrong.

And, yes, I realize we will be busy if this all works out the way we hope.
And I'm okay with that.

Backstory: Part 3

We waited the 12 days.
I was extra careful with what I ate (whatever I wanted plus fruit),
what I lifted (fork to mouth),
what I did (taught and slept),
what I drank (agua and milk and juice).

And I was extra cautious about every little twinge that I felt.
I was just waiting to miscarry.
Expecting it at any second
but praying with my whole heart that it wouldn't happen.

Thankfully, I had no signs.
No symptoms.
Except the normal pregnancy symptoms,
which I accepted with a thankful heart.

Our next appointment was May 24.
(Which also happened to be my last day of school--
a day full of emotions to begin with.)

We met at the clinic
and waited.
Forever.
and ever.
Amen.
Forever.

And maybe that was a good thing.
Because my feelings of annoyance were starting to take over
my feelings of nervousness.
Until D told me he was nervous.

Dr. T (Dr. G was out of town) came in,
along with a resident that had been there when we couldn't find Nugget's heartbeat.
I was sure that was a sign.
A bad one.

They turned down the lights,
I closed my eyes,
and held my breath.
I refused to look at the screen.
(I know exactly what to look for to see the heartbeat
and I refused to see that still screen again).

He moved the magic wand around and then said,
"You have one healthy embryo."
I was relieved.
One down,
one to go.

Gummy Bear Baby.

And then he said words that I never thought I would hear,
"And you have another healthy baby in here.
Both look great."

What?
My heart about beat out of my chest.
And every expletive I knew was about to burst out of my mouth.
But, he was right.
After doing extensive measuring and listening,
we found out that both of them- both precious little millimeters of wonder-
were doing well.
In fact, they were both measuring ahead of schedule.

Tic-Tac Baby surrounded my miraculous Jesus womb.

Now.
I don't know what the heck happened.
It could be that since little one was squished in that comma-shaped sac,
that Dr. G. couldn't get a good measurement.

Or, it's more likely,
that I just have a womb of miraculous wonders.
My womb can bring things back to life.
Kind of like the tomb of Jesus.
I may, in fact, have a womb of Jesus.

(But, I'm pretty sure not.)

Backstory: Part 2

So, following the positive pregnancy test came the dreaded first ultrasound.
I wish those were not so freakishly scary.
(I also wish that it did not involve stirrups and "scootching"
but that's another post in itself).

We went in for our first ultrasound and I was approximately 7 weeks.
We were praying for a heartbeat.
We didn't care if there were one or two.
All we wanted was a heartbeat.

Dr. G came in and did his thing.
And, miraculously, there was a heartbeat.
In a healthy sac, right on track, and measuring ahead of schedule.

He poked and prodded around more.
He got quiet.
And then showed us that he found another sac.

We were not surprised.
This had happened with Nugget
(and is actually pretty common)
where there were two sacs- one was just empty.

But, he kept poking around and eventually
found a little heartbeat, beating away in the top part of the sac.
It seemed to be a bit squished but Dr. G did his best to get an accurate measurement.
This little one was measuring 8 days behind the other embryo.
And it's heartbeat was slow.
Slower than what it should be.

If you look closely, at the tip of the comma-shaped sac, that is where little guy was squished.

We asked Dr. G questions,
he tried to give us answers.
He told us that he would be very surprised if the 2nd one made it to the next appointment.
That I should expect to miscarry between now and then.
And, if I were to miscarry, we would want it to happen sooner than later.
The sooner it miscarries, the less affect it has on the other embryo.


Now we didn't know what to think.
We knew we should be thankful and relieved that there was one healthy little being.
But, it's hard to celebrate knowing that there is one not doing well.

And we were torn.
Obviously, we wanted both to survive and thrive.
But, if one was not compatible with life,
we wanted the miscarriage to happen sooner than later
(for a number of reasons).

We didn't know what to think.
Or what to pray for.
And what to tell people.

So, we left the office.
Not knowing if we should go out for our celebratory dinner or not.
And expecting signs of miscarriage within the next week or two.
(Which also happened to be the last few weeks of school-
one of the busiest times of the school year).

I tried to relax.
I prayed.
I told myself over and over that worrying about it won't change the outcome.
I talked to the little sprouts and told them to keep growing.

But.
I prepared myself.
I prepared for spotting
or cramping
or, at least, a silent ultrasound at our next appointment.

I knew how to prepare myself.
I knew what to expect.
I knew that if I did miscarry again,
that I could handle it.
(I wouldn't want to, but I could if I had to.)
I hate to say it,
but I expected the worst.

So, we waited
for 12 days until our next appointment
to see what was going on with Herbie and Puckett.
Being hopefully realistic.

Backstory: Part 1

Like my other two pregnancies, getting to this one took some work.
But, thankfully, we knew what our secret formula of meds and injectibles were, so we were hopeful.
After a week or two of the shots and meds and monitoring sonograms and all that,
I went in for the IUI on Wednesday, April 11.
They told me to wait 16 days until I tested.
16 days?!!?
A hamster's gestational period is 16 days.
And I have to wait 16 days just to see if I'm pregnant?
That's a long time, folks.

During the next two weeks, I tried to not think about things.
But, it's pretty much impossible.
Especially for me and my crazy little mind.
Every little ache and twinge and feeling suddenly becomes an early symptom of pregnancy.
And Google became my best friend and my worst enemy.
(Here's some advice:
Don't use the Goog for your medical advice.
Its info doesn't change if you search for it over and over.
It also doesn't mean it's true just because it's on the internet.
A 16 year girl from who-knows-where is writing about her "pregnicy.")

I did my best.
I made sure to eat and behave as if I was pregnant.
Just in case.

By Sunday, April 22, I knew I couldn't wait.
I had a feeling.
A good feeling.
A great and terrifying feeling.

And I was right.
The test read positive.

I was excited.
But, this time, it was different.
I knew.
Really knew what could happen in the next 9 months.
And what could happen in the next 9 weeks, especially.
And that is scary.
Heart-breakingly scary.

This time I didn't automatically think
due date
names
nursery
how will I will announce?
boy or girl?
or both?

Instead I thought
miscarriage
ectopic pregnancy
chemical pregnancy
stillbirth
how will I tell others who are wanting this news for themselves?
genetic disorders
D&C.

Seeing those two lines
(and then another two lines on the next test
and the word "Pregnant" on the third one.)
just brought the next checklist of worries.

***********

I wish I had some great way that I told Dave.
But, I don't.
I just told him.
That's it.
As much as we were thrilled
and excited
and thankful.
We also knew the speed bumps we had to get over.
We were just as nervous
and realistic
and terrified
as we were ecstatic.

And that made us both sad.
That we had lost the thrill and excitement and naiveté of pregnancy.
That, although there are no words to describe the amount of thankfulness we had,
we both knew what we were facing.
Or, what we could face.
That it is not a sure thing.
Ever.

It's different this time.
If we had a motto,
it would be "Hopefully Realistic."

We are hopeful that we will not be the fluke.
The 5%
The 1%.
But, we are realistic that we could be.
Again.

But, we are doing out best to enjoy these days.
Not knowing if this will be my only pregnancy, we want to savor the moments of excitement.
We do not want to fret
and stew
and worry so much that we don't enjoy what we have.

So we are doing our best.
We are trying to be hopefully realistic.

We're gonna win, Twins!

Most people that know Dave and me know that we are Minnesota fans.
Dave grew up in Minnesota, adoring every team that hails from the Land of 10,000 Lakes.
By default, I am now a fan.
We are fans of the Twins and Vikings.
Even when we are let down again and again.
And even when the Twins are currently 21 and 33.

I have been schooled in Twins history.
The 1987 World Series.
The 1991 World Series.
Harmon Killebrew.
Kent Hrbek.
Herbie Puckett.

Kent "Herbie" Hrbek and Kirby Puckett- some greats of the Twins.

And now I hope and pray and yearn to learn more about Twins.

I am honored,
thankful,
blessed,
ecstatic,
elated,
thrilled,
beyond the moon,
and as pleased as punch
to introduce you to the newest set of Twins
whom Dave and I are the #1 fans of.

Meet Herbie and Puckett.

Herbie and Puckett.  Both healthy and and wiggly and measuring right on track with healthy heartbeats.  There are no words.  And not enough prayers of thanks being said.

I am 10 weeks.
I know.
It's early to announce.
I maybe should wait longer.
But, I have a few reasons for telling now.

• School is out.  My biggest fear was kids finding out and me having to tell them that I lost the baby.  (I did that with Maggie's stillbirth.  It isn't fun.)  Now, if kids find out and something tragically happens, parents will be responsible to tell them, not me.  I also knew that if adults found out, it was likely that kids would find out.
• It is hard to cover this up- for a variety of reasons.  
• I am no longer fitting into clothes.  This being my 3rd pregnancy, and this time with twins, it is getting impossible to hide this.
• I work in a small town (and live in a smallish place).  People know each other, people talk, my biz-nass has gotten around to people whom I planned to tell privately or whom I never planned to tell (because I have no idea who they are). 
• I can't drink certain delicious beverages (Coke, coffee, or otherwise) and I can't eat cold cuts or raw eggs or feta cheese.  This is fine with me.  But, a bit obvious to others that saw I wasn't enjoying coffee or Coke (especially at the end of a frantic school year).
• I could wait another 2 weeks until I am "out of the danger zone."  But, we all know that it is a bunch of crap.  I get that my chances of miscarrying are less once I am in the 2nd trimester.  But, I am kind of over that.  I'd rather have people know so that they can pray for the twins' health and support us.  I'd rather be able to enjoy people's support of this pregnancy when there are joyful things happening, instead of just when bad things happen.
• We need your prayers and thoughts and good ju-ju or whatever.  We realize are not out of the woods.  We won't be until Herbie and Puckett are in our arms.  And even then, it's not a sure thing.  But, we are trying to enjoy this as we do not know if this will be our only pregnancy.

Prayers welcomed.

For peaceful hearts.

For less anxiety than what we have had in the last few weeks

(it's been a rocky start).

For calm thoughts.

But, mostly 

for growing and healthy feti (what's the plural of fetus anyways?)

and a healthy place for them to stay for the next 6-7 months.

And, for a happy ending.

We want these twins to do better than those other Twins.

Disclaimer:  To those whom this blog post brings nothing but sadness and tears and reminders of "what is not," I grieve with you.  I debated and thought long and hard about how/when to post this in order to be sensitive to those who see pregnancy announcements and are heartbroken.  Please know that I am aware that these announcements are crushing and devastating and my prayers continue for those who are dealing (or have dealt with) infertility or pregnancy loss.  The journey and grief is never over. It just changes.

Recently

1.  Recently Read

The year after I graduated from college, I spent a year teaching English to teenagers and adults in Lithuania.
Yeah, I know.
Most people have no idea where Lithuania is.
Or that it is an absolutely beautiful country.
With even more beautiful people.
My sister sent this book to me for my birthday.
You can read more about it here,
but if you like books about World War II, Anne Frank, and the like,
you'll love this one.

2.  Recently Finished

School.
Amen.
There's only so long that you can herd cats without going insane.

3. Lately

D's brother and his family are on a 2 month visit from where they are working in Bolivia.
It's been great having them back in town
and I'm pretty sure that Dave has loved having his brother here again.

Moving cattle

Blonde Harder boy.

Memorial Day Picnic

Luckily, we get to spend a bit more time with them in June up in Mini-soda.

4.  Birthday Gift

Courtesy of her Etsy Shop.

My ma is an internet wizard.  She can find anything on the internet.
I don't know how she does it.
She found this pendant for my birthday.
A symbol of Maggie and Nugget.
Go visit the shop- her stuff is absolutely beautiful
and it is all her original artwork that is etched into the silver.

5.  Prayers Needed

For a friend and her husband who experienced a miscarriage again this week.
The third time doesn't make it any easier.
It's just as heartbreaking.

And for several friends who are in the process of adoption or thinking about adoption.
Those who are wanting to adopt have to have hearts of gold and steel.
If you think that infertility and pregnancy loss are difficult,
I believe that adoption can be just as difficult.
And these families need our prayers.

6.  Try Not To Cry

And, I'm a bit obsessed with the Olympics.
Can't wait.

7.  A little blubbery after this...

8. I'm done.

More updates will come on this thing
now that school is done (crazy busy)
and life is a bit calmer.

9. Happy Summer

www.someecards.com 

Thinking of all women...

It is Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day doesn't seem like the most appropriate thing to say.
Because, honestly, for millions of women, this day does not bring about feelings of happiness
and joy.
Instead, it is a reminder of what could have been
or, at least, should have been
or
what once was 
or
what was supposed to be.

And, honestly?
I really don't think I will ever
celebrate it the way our society has meant for it to be celebrated.
I don't think I will ever be able to celebrate
without thinking of the millions of women who have lost their children.
Or without thinking of the millions of children who have lost their mothers.
Of without thinking of the women who are waiting for a child.
Or without thinking of the women who desperately want to be mothers.

From www.postsecret.com

So, this morning,
I am sitting at home.
I am not going to church.
(I am not the only one.)
I am choosing to stay home.
It is easier.
Easier than the awkward conversations.
Easier than deciding whether I stand or sit
when the mothers are acknowledged.
Easier than seeing children honoring their moms.

It is easier to be home.
Thinking of Maggie.
And Nugget.
And what could have been.
And should have been.

I am thinking of how things were last year on Mother's Day.
And nothing really has changed.
I still pray that I will be able to cross some of those things off my list.
Sometime.
Soon.

So, to the women out there.
Who have chosen to stay home today.
Who are visiting a gravesite today.
Or who are hoping for some good news, sometime soon-
we sit by you.

From www.postsecret.com

P.S.
I read this blog.
It is perfect.
Everything I have been thinking and feeling over the past 4+ years, she has said.  So, Amy, thank you.
For summing up my thoughts into a beautiful tribute to all women on Mother's Day.

"To those of you who gave birth to their first child - we celebrate with you.

To those who lost a child this year - we mourn with you.

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains- we appreciate you.

To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away - we mourn with you.

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment - we walk with you.  Forgive us when we say foolish things.  We don't mean to make this harder than it is.

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms - we need you.

To those who have warm and close relationships with your children - we celebrate with you.

To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children - we sit with you.

To those who lost their mother this year - we grieve with you.

To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother - we acknowledge your experiences.

To those who have lived through driving tests, medical tests, and the overall testing of motherhood - we are better for having you in our midst.

To those who will have emptier nests in the upcoming year - we grieve and rejoice with you.

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising - we anticipate with you.

This Mother's Day, we walk with you.  Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst.  We remember you.

Taken from and credited to Amy Young at http://messymiddle.com/.