Backstory: Part 1

Like my other two pregnancies, getting to this one took some work.
But, thankfully, we knew what our secret formula of meds and injectibles were, so we were hopeful.
After a week or two of the shots and meds and monitoring sonograms and all that,
I went in for the IUI on Wednesday, April 11.
They told me to wait 16 days until I tested.
16 days?!!?
A hamster's gestational period is 16 days.
And I have to wait 16 days just to see if I'm pregnant?
That's a long time, folks.

During the next two weeks, I tried to not think about things.
But, it's pretty much impossible.
Especially for me and my crazy little mind.
Every little ache and twinge and feeling suddenly becomes an early symptom of pregnancy.
And Google became my best friend and my worst enemy.
(Here's some advice:
Don't use the Goog for your medical advice.
Its info doesn't change if you search for it over and over.
It also doesn't mean it's true just because it's on the internet.
A 16 year girl from who-knows-where is writing about her "pregnicy.")

I did my best.
I made sure to eat and behave as if I was pregnant.
Just in case.

By Sunday, April 22, I knew I couldn't wait.
I had a feeling.
A good feeling.
A great and terrifying feeling.

And I was right.
The test read positive.

I was excited.
But, this time, it was different.
I knew.
Really knew what could happen in the next 9 months.
And what could happen in the next 9 weeks, especially.
And that is scary.
Heart-breakingly scary.

This time I didn't automatically think
due date
names
nursery
how will I will announce?
boy or girl?
or both?

Instead I thought
miscarriage
ectopic pregnancy
chemical pregnancy
stillbirth
how will I tell others who are wanting this news for themselves?
genetic disorders
D&C.

Seeing those two lines
(and then another two lines on the next test
and the word "Pregnant" on the third one.)
just brought the next checklist of worries.

***********

I wish I had some great way that I told Dave.
But, I don't.
I just told him.
That's it.
As much as we were thrilled
and excited
and thankful.
We also knew the speed bumps we had to get over.
We were just as nervous
and realistic
and terrified
as we were ecstatic.

And that made us both sad.
That we had lost the thrill and excitement and naiveté of pregnancy.
That, although there are no words to describe the amount of thankfulness we had,
we both knew what we were facing.
Or, what we could face.
That it is not a sure thing.
Ever.

It's different this time.
If we had a motto,
it would be "Hopefully Realistic."

We are hopeful that we will not be the fluke.
The 5%
The 1%.
But, we are realistic that we could be.
Again.

But, we are doing out best to enjoy these days.
Not knowing if this will be my only pregnancy, we want to savor the moments of excitement.
We do not want to fret
and stew
and worry so much that we don't enjoy what we have.

So we are doing our best.
We are trying to be hopefully realistic.