8 days later

It's been 8 days since we found out little love nugget was no longer with us.  

It feels like a lot longer than 8 days.  

It feels like forever ago that it was so quiet in that doctor's office.

I know some people are worried

or concerned 

or whatever

about how I am feeling.

I told my mom today that I feel like I have gotten over a slump over the last few days.

I feel differently than I did over the weekend.

I feel better.

Of course,

I'm still sad and disappointed that this happened again.

I'm terrified that it will happen again.

But, it's different this time.

Maybe it's because I know how this goes.

I know myself way better than I ever have. 

I know what I need to do to take care of myself,

to help me grieve and process,

and I know how to help myself move through this journey.

And, I'm actively finding ways to make myself better.

1.  I'm acknowledging my feelings.  I realize that I feel anger and sadness and guilt.  And I am admitting and feeling all of those feelings without feeling guilt or feeling like I'm crazy.  I know that if I acknowledge those feelings, I can deal with them.  Suppressing my feelings just makes things worse.  I know that and I refuse to do that.

2.  I'm finding good books to read.  I downloaded some books on my Kindle that I have been reading to help me.  Some have to do specifically with miscarriages and stillbirth.  Others have to do with grief in general.  Others are books on hope and are more religious.  I need a bit of everything and all of those little bits have added together to give me some wonderful things to think about and work on. 

3.  I have a support system this time.  I have people supporting me.  Live, real people around me and interwebz people.  When Maggie died, my blog was nonexistent.  My life of infertility and all that crap was still a secret.  My support circle was small and limited.  Now, it's different.  My blog has become an outlet for me to write and, in turn, I have met some amazing women.  Women that share my feelings and have similar stories.  And, even though I have never met them face-to-face  and I couldn't tell you what most of them look like or even what their last names are, I hold them in a special place in my heart.  These women know my soul and my deepest feelings better than anyone else ever will.  These women know my struggle.  They know my feelings.  Because they have felt every.single.one.of.them and they know how important it is to share our stories.  

Additionally, my real life group of support has grown as well.  People know my story. They know that I am not embarrassed to talk about my grief and that they can ask me about my journey.  I have more people in my life that are helping me and talking to me and asking me questions and sharing in my grief.  And guys?  It's amazing how much other people can help you through this cycle of grief if you let them.

4. I know myself.  I know I am resilient.  I know that I will make it through this second loss.  Because I made it through the first time.  I know what to expect and I know that no feelings last forever.  I know that I will survive and, hopefully, thrive.   In a book I was reading tonight (I'll share more about it in a later post), it said, "This resilient spirit continues despite all sorts of circumstances.  Even when it appears that someone or something is crushed, there is always renewal."  I know this. I have lived through it.  I will do it again.  With a bigger heart and clearer spirit and mind.

Love,

Your resilient friend.