15 weeks (a tad late)

How Far Along: 15 weeks and 3 days.  

Size of Babies: About 4 inches long and weigh about 2.5 oz each (the weight of a small hamster).

Source here.  This is like Herbie and Puckett. Just not so hairy. Or germy.  Or  unintelligent.

Weight Gain: Only up about 4-5 pounds (depending on when I weigh myself).  According to my doctor, my goal in the next few weeks is to eat more food with protein and calcium.  Which I heard as: eat more steak dinners and have more ice cream.  Done and done. 

Belly: I don't notice a huge change from last week. It just feels different than it has.   Not painful, but just tight.  Like it is full of baby goodness.  Which is priceless.

Sleep: I need to get on a regular schedule soon- the summer sleeping schedule always messes with me when I try to return to my work schedule.  I am still tired, but not nearly as tired as I was previously. And, I only get up once or twice a night to go to the bathroom.

Movement: Almost every night at 10:30-11:30 I feel something.  Nothing huge yet, but I know what to feel for.  There's definitely movement. And it is is fantastic.

Food Cravings: Ice cream, cheese, raspberries. There isn't anything I have to have, but I think I am moving into the "I will eat anything in sight" phase.

Clothes: Mostly workout shorts (which fit if I wear them down low) and t-shirts.  Otherwise, I am wearing all maternity shirts and bottoms now. 

Appointments: I had one this past Wednesday (Mag's due date). The breakdown:

• Waited freaking forever.
• I peed in a cup, as per usual.
• I got to see nurse Andi for the first time since that day.  
• Did a mini/portable sonogram.
• I didn't see much for several reasons.  1) I didn't want to look at first. 2) I was laying down 3.) The screen was seriously the size of a phone's screen.
• What I did see was adorable and wonderful: two fluttering hearts and two little things that looked like actual babies. Score!
• I have an appointment with Dr. Eck in August, the week before school starts.
• The next day I have an appointment with a perinatologist to do the 20 week anatomy scan.  I am a bit nervous about that, but glad that we are meeting with someone who can help us out if there are issues that need to be dealt with.

Emotions: Surprisingly okay.  


I had a bit of a lazy day on Wednesday after the appointment, as I was struggling with the dichotomy of having my ultrasound and being ecstatic about the results of that while, on the other hand, knowing that it was Maggie's due date.


As much as I am excited and thrilled about this pregnancy, I am ready for it to be over, if you know what I mean. Now now, but I am ready for December to be here.  I am tired of worrying and thinking about the "what ifs" all the time.  I am tired of being paranoid. I am tired of thinking about if everything I am eating and drinking and doing is somehow affecting Herbie and Puckett in a negative way. I have been trying to keep myself busy with school stuff, but as I approach the time when they are the same gestational age as Mags was when she died, I am getting more and more nervous.  And I wish I could just relax and enjoy this more than I am.


And, then, I know I shouldn't complain.  Because this is such a good thing.


And, the video below has nothing to do with anything.
I just watched it.
And I thought it was hilarious. 


And every time I have watched it,
I end up sitting here with a huge goofy smile on my face.
Because the guy seems so nice 
(and his laugh is hilarious)
and I think because it's so nice to hear people laugh.

50 of Life's Little Pleasures

If you've never read anything from Thought Catalog, you should.
I do not read all of the articles (such as "Why Ted is Worth Seeing" because I have no desire to see that movie.  At all.).
But, some are hilarious.
Or thought provoking.
Or a good waste of time.
Like "13 Inventions the World Needs Desperately"
(Can I get an amen for #2, 3, and 10?).

I read one today called "50 of Life's Little Pleasures."

Here are mine, in no particular order.

1. Heartbeat on a Doppler.

2.  Rabbit turd ice.

3. Hot burn-your-mouth-lava french fries.

4. Clean sheets.

5. Free or 69 cent songs on iTunes that you actually want.

6.  This video.


7.  Sunday afternoon naps.

8.  Finding a good book you can't put down.

9.  School supply aisles.

10.  Fresh corn on the cob.

11.  When kids say things wrong ("chocolate pupcakes" or "Jippy John's").

12.  Used book stores.

13.  A grocery cart that isn't messed up.

14.  Educator's discount.

15.  Taking a pile of your old crap to Goodwill.

16.  Bread bowls.

17.  Cheese.

18.  Free pens at a store.

19.  Finishing your to-do list.

20.  Corn dogs.

21.  Sweat pants. Comfy pants.  Sunday pants.  Elastic pants. Whatever.  Heaven.

22.  Ultrasound pictures.

23.  Seeing pictures of celebrities look like trash.

24. Good fortunes in your cookie.  Not just stupid statements.

25.  Pandora.

26.  Vacuum lines in the carpet.

27.  Freshly bathed babies.

28.  Big trees.

29.  Brunch.

30.  Politeness.

31.  Using up all the ink in a pen.

32.  Homemade tortillas.

33.  Knowing the answers on Jeopardy.

34.  Seeing parents being nice to their kids in a store.

35.  Frosty mugs.  With any beverage in them.

36.  Bloopers at the end of movies.

37.  Free bread or chips at a restaurant.

38.  Antiques Road Show.

39.  Sale racks.

40.   Good ambiance.

41.  Getting your hair washed and dried at the salon.

42. Accordions in music.  Don't ask.  I just love it.  Like this one.


43.  Food samples in a grocery store.

44.  The smell (and taste) of coffee.

45.  Mixed CDs.

46.  Good news about someone who deserves it.

47.  A marathon of a show you love.

48.  Folded chips.

49.   Reading outside.

50.   Perfect ratio of ice cream to pie/cake/cookie/crumble/crisp.

14 weeks.

How Far Along: 14 weeks tomorrow

Size of Babies: About 3-3.4 inches long and weigh about 1.5 oz each (the weight of 2 average chicken nuggets).

Weight Gain: Only up about 2-3 pounds.  Dr. Eck seemed pleased with this- as long as I wasn't losing.  I am going to try to beat my sister's record of weight gain.  Or not.

Belly: Definitely bigger than what I was with Mags at this point.  For obvious reasons. 

Taken at 13 weeks 3 days

Sleep: I love it.  I get about 11 hours a night and I'm still tired in the afternoon.  I know, I am enjoying it while I can...because I will never sleep again.  :)  

Movement: Every once in awhile I feel flutters when I am laying down.  However, I won't feel anything for certain for awhile. 

Food Cravings: Ice cream, cheese, nectarines. Meat is not that cool. Except I really want a #9 from Jimmy John's and I cannot have it.  

Clothes: My sister and I went out and bought some clothes and I have borrowed some from friends.  I didn't buy tons, as I am hoping that I won't fit into them for the entire pregnancy and I will probably have to get some different stuff for work, too.  Although being with my sister was fun, shopping was not. I felt like I was jinxing everything.  And, now I will be on all those stupid mailing lists again.


Appointments: Next Wednesday, July 11 (Maggie's due date).

Emotions: There's lots going on in my head right now.  Pure elation and excitement, nervousness, paranoia, joy, impatience, feeling overwhelmed, and thankfulness.  I've only teared up once.  When my buttered waffle fell on the floor.  Really.  Pull yourself together.

First OB Appointment

A few weeks ago D and I met with Dr. Eck (OB Dr) for the first time (since Maggie).
Obvs, I was nervous.
Like I kind of wanted to puke all over the place nervous.
Except I hadn't eaten because I was nervous.
And I had a list of questions that I wanted to ask her.


A synopsis of the appointment:

• The same nurse who couldn't find Maggie's heartbeat was in there again.  She told me that there are times as nurse that you never forget. Not finding Mag's heartbeat was one of those and she was so happy to see D and I back.
• This time, she found both heartbeats. I don't know how in the world she would find both, which is why I will not use a Doppler.  They were measuring about 161 and 156.  Perfect!  I'm pretty sure that those numbers indicate their IQs too, right?
• Dr. Eck came in and did the yearly exam (seriously) and also made sure everything else was measuring the way it should.
• We then dove into my list of questions...
• I can come in for a doppler check whenever I want- no appointment needed. Score.
• I will have appointments every 3-4 weeks until 20 weeks as long as things look good.
• At 20 weeks I will go to a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor (Perinatologist) in Wichita to do the 20 week anatomy scan.  This doctor will do an even more thorough check of Herbie and Puckett and make sure things are on track.  If not, s/he will continue to see me or refer me to a specialist.  The MFM is connected with a hospital with a NICU so that if something does need to be taken care of right after birth, I have connections.
• If everything with the MFM looks great, I will go back to Dr. Eck and that's when we will start more frequent ultrasounds and appointments.
• I should expect to deliver at about 36 weeks or so (and praying not before that!)  We will decide as the time approaches if I will do a C-section or not. It totally depends on the positioning of the babies.  At this point, I don't even care.  As long as I have meds and healthy babies, it doesn't even matter to me.
• She told me to try and enjoy this pregnancy. I'm doing my darndest, but it's pretty much impossible not to be paranoid and nervous.

I went back yesterday for a Doppler check cause I can.  

And I will.

I will make them regret offering free checks for me.

The nurse found the first heartbeat right away.

Then I reminded her there were two.

:)

She found the other one, although they were so similar in rates, that it was hard to distinguish which was which.  

So far so good. 

About halfway to viability at 27 weeks.

And my heart overflows with thanks.

Q & A

First of all, thank you for the wonderful emails and texts and messages
of encouragement
and congratulations
and well-wishes.

Once again, I am reminded of how important it is to have a
group of good family and friends around us to support us.
You all have supported us through crappy and crappier times.
And we are glad to have your support through these happy and, hopefully, happier times.

I have gotten a few questions/comments/concerns that I wanted to clear up.  So, here is a Q & A.
And, just to make it more interesting, I have added some stuff that I've pinned lately.

Will the nicknames Herbie and Puckett stick?
At this point, we are not planning on naming our children Herbie and Puckett (although I'm sure many Minnesotans have named their kids after Twins players).  We have not discussed names that much but Herbie and Puckett are not on my Top 10 list.  Especially because Puckett rhymes too well with other words.
Especially when you're mad.

Have you been craving anything?

• Sleep
• Mangoes (Fresh, frozen, juice, popsicles)
• DQ Soft Serve Twist Ice Cream Cones

If you have one black and one white baby (like Herbie and Puckett), you will have some explaining to do.
If that happens, that is the clinic's fault.  I believe that we will have our retirement and Herbie and Puckett's college fund taken care of then.

What is your due date?
Officially, it is January 2.  However, the Dr. has said that if I made it to the beginning of December, that would be great.  As long as they are healthy and living when they are delivered, I will be happy.

Draw eyebrows on a dog.  If you have a dog, please do this.  D tried to do it on Fergs.  She is too hairy.

When do you want a baby shower?
Um, after they're born.
Seriously.
I don't want to do that.
I have experienced, and too many people I know, have experienced loss.
I feel like, for me, having a baby shower beforehand is
1) Making assumptions and being presumptuous about things that I have no control over.
2) Setting me up for more pain if something were to happen.

I am fine not having a baby shower, ever.
But, if I were to have one, I would want one after they are born.
We have two boxes, a hose, and some paper towels, so we are already ready for their homecoming.
(I kid!)
**This does not mean that I judge you for having a baby shower before your baby is born.
I know this is the traditional way of doing things.
This is a preference for me personally.


Have you been feeling okay?
For the most part, yes. I have nothing to complain about.
Because all of the crappy feelings that come along with pregnancy and good signs for me.
In fact, I get nervous when I am not
nauseous
or headachy
or sore
or exhausted
or hormonal.  I'm never moody.
I take all of these things as good things
and signs that things are going the way they should.

I have figured out how to keep the nausea from flaring up,
such as making sure to eat lots of meals/snacks throughout the day,
to not skip meals,
and not to get too full of food or liquid.

I have only puked twice.
One time was because I drank too much water
and then gagged while I was brushing my teeth
and there was no stopping it.

The other time was at Chili's.
Yes, at a restaurant.
Long story short,
I hadn't eaten breakfast,
we went to church,
I was stuffing my face with chips and salsa and salad.
And all of a sudden it just came.
At the table.
I tried to catch it.
But, surprisingly, it is difficult to catch and contain vomit in your hand.
So, it just went all over
the table,
my salad,
my lap.
But, I was so sneaky that no one! saw! me!
I just couldn't make eye contact with the waiter when he cleared our dirty dishes.

Will you find out the genders?
Yes.  I've already asked. Dr said he wasn't quite sure- there was a 50% chance he could be wrong.

And, yes, I realize we will be busy if this all works out the way we hope.
And I'm okay with that.

Backstory: Part 3

We waited the 12 days.
I was extra careful with what I ate (whatever I wanted plus fruit),
what I lifted (fork to mouth),
what I did (taught and slept),
what I drank (agua and milk and juice).

And I was extra cautious about every little twinge that I felt.
I was just waiting to miscarry.
Expecting it at any second
but praying with my whole heart that it wouldn't happen.

Thankfully, I had no signs.
No symptoms.
Except the normal pregnancy symptoms,
which I accepted with a thankful heart.

Our next appointment was May 24.
(Which also happened to be my last day of school--
a day full of emotions to begin with.)

We met at the clinic
and waited.
Forever.
and ever.
Amen.
Forever.

And maybe that was a good thing.
Because my feelings of annoyance were starting to take over
my feelings of nervousness.
Until D told me he was nervous.

Dr. T (Dr. G was out of town) came in,
along with a resident that had been there when we couldn't find Nugget's heartbeat.
I was sure that was a sign.
A bad one.

They turned down the lights,
I closed my eyes,
and held my breath.
I refused to look at the screen.
(I know exactly what to look for to see the heartbeat
and I refused to see that still screen again).

He moved the magic wand around and then said,
"You have one healthy embryo."
I was relieved.
One down,
one to go.

Gummy Bear Baby.

And then he said words that I never thought I would hear,
"And you have another healthy baby in here.
Both look great."

What?
My heart about beat out of my chest.
And every expletive I knew was about to burst out of my mouth.
But, he was right.
After doing extensive measuring and listening,
we found out that both of them- both precious little millimeters of wonder-
were doing well.
In fact, they were both measuring ahead of schedule.

Tic-Tac Baby surrounded my miraculous Jesus womb.

Now.
I don't know what the heck happened.
It could be that since little one was squished in that comma-shaped sac,
that Dr. G. couldn't get a good measurement.

Or, it's more likely,
that I just have a womb of miraculous wonders.
My womb can bring things back to life.
Kind of like the tomb of Jesus.
I may, in fact, have a womb of Jesus.

(But, I'm pretty sure not.)

Backstory: Part 2

So, following the positive pregnancy test came the dreaded first ultrasound.
I wish those were not so freakishly scary.
(I also wish that it did not involve stirrups and "scootching"
but that's another post in itself).

We went in for our first ultrasound and I was approximately 7 weeks.
We were praying for a heartbeat.
We didn't care if there were one or two.
All we wanted was a heartbeat.

Dr. G came in and did his thing.
And, miraculously, there was a heartbeat.
In a healthy sac, right on track, and measuring ahead of schedule.

He poked and prodded around more.
He got quiet.
And then showed us that he found another sac.

We were not surprised.
This had happened with Nugget
(and is actually pretty common)
where there were two sacs- one was just empty.

But, he kept poking around and eventually
found a little heartbeat, beating away in the top part of the sac.
It seemed to be a bit squished but Dr. G did his best to get an accurate measurement.
This little one was measuring 8 days behind the other embryo.
And it's heartbeat was slow.
Slower than what it should be.

If you look closely, at the tip of the comma-shaped sac, that is where little guy was squished.

We asked Dr. G questions,
he tried to give us answers.
He told us that he would be very surprised if the 2nd one made it to the next appointment.
That I should expect to miscarry between now and then.
And, if I were to miscarry, we would want it to happen sooner than later.
The sooner it miscarries, the less affect it has on the other embryo.


Now we didn't know what to think.
We knew we should be thankful and relieved that there was one healthy little being.
But, it's hard to celebrate knowing that there is one not doing well.

And we were torn.
Obviously, we wanted both to survive and thrive.
But, if one was not compatible with life,
we wanted the miscarriage to happen sooner than later
(for a number of reasons).

We didn't know what to think.
Or what to pray for.
And what to tell people.

So, we left the office.
Not knowing if we should go out for our celebratory dinner or not.
And expecting signs of miscarriage within the next week or two.
(Which also happened to be the last few weeks of school-
one of the busiest times of the school year).

I tried to relax.
I prayed.
I told myself over and over that worrying about it won't change the outcome.
I talked to the little sprouts and told them to keep growing.

But.
I prepared myself.
I prepared for spotting
or cramping
or, at least, a silent ultrasound at our next appointment.

I knew how to prepare myself.
I knew what to expect.
I knew that if I did miscarry again,
that I could handle it.
(I wouldn't want to, but I could if I had to.)
I hate to say it,
but I expected the worst.

So, we waited
for 12 days until our next appointment
to see what was going on with Herbie and Puckett.
Being hopefully realistic.